What’s on your mind?

Uncategorized | March 9th, 2013

This is a continuation from my previous blog.

So if I’m not working and I’m up into the wee hours of the morning, it usually means that it’s time to start writing. This is what I like to call a “brain dump”. If I can’t sleep and my brain is too fried to focus on my work, then something must be on my mind. So I start a free write, which usually starts out as a small Facebook post, and if it gets too big for a small paragraph, then it becomes a blog entry. By the time I’m done, I’m usually able to fall asleep. This is no different from any other time, except once my writing started becoming larger than a paragraph, I didn’t stop and transfer it to my blog. Instead I kept going. A couple times I slowed down and thought…holy shit, this is way too long for a status update, and then I remembered what the box says before your start typing into it; “What’s on your mind?” For most people it’s the shoes they bought today, or the latest celebrity gossip. For me, it’s almost always a loaded question.

Sometimes I really hate that Facebook is always asking me “What’s on your mind?” A lot of times, I’ll type something, then delete it. I do that a lot actually, because sometimes the shit that is on my mind really shouldn’t be public knowledge held in a data base to use against me once a law is created that I will be in violation of. Not that it matters, I’ve voiced my dislike of the government and police force so many times, that I’m sure I’m on a watch list somewhere. Fuck you. That’s F-u-c-k-you got that in there?

So anyway, I just finished typing a letter to my mom, and then these are the thoughts that writing it triggered…the state of mind I was in? Well I was thinking about my family and of everything else that is going on in my life currently. It is of my opinion that everyone not only deserves to be loved and told what an amazing individual they are, it is absolutely necessary and important.

To all the broken souls in the world who have been tossed aside, run over, and left for dead…I say, “I love you. Do not give up, do not lose hope. There is a way out, I’m looking for it, diligently, and I will pass on my knowledge as it comes to me. I do not know the way for every man. I do not know the precise formula, but I do know there is a light at the end of the tunnel despite how much shit we have to sift through to get there. I am in your corner, we can make better lives for ourselves and in doing so, make the world a better place. I stand as living proof that you can overcome that which holds you back and denies you from a happy life. There is hope, do not give up. No matter how many times you fall, do not give up. Embrace what you see as failure as a chance to learn, do not repeat that which hinders you. Only you know what that is. Live. Dream. Do. Succeed. Because yes, you do deserve it. Everyone deserves to be happy. Everyone is worthy of love.”

When I think back over my short life, in these moments when I can’t sleep, contemplating my dreams and the world around me, I can’t help but also think about just how far I’ve come from being the girl passed out on the toilet at the bar, falling over tables, and punching my friends or slapping total strangers because their shirt pissed me off. Stupid random fucks on dirty bathroom floors, and all of that shit…none of it is who I was or who I am. I was lost, I was confused, I didn’t know what the fuck to do with this gift of a life that I was given, so I did everything in my power to destroy it. It’s easy to destroy, much harder to create. It’s easy to let your past dictate your path, much harder to rise above it as you set those bridges on fire.

In throwing myself into Zebrana Bastard, I have been driven so close to my heart, and it hurts. It hurts to feel, and hard to not shroud these emotions in a blanket of booze. But still, I do it sober and pressing on…because now I have no choice. For every broken person I see who is trying so hard to make it right for themselves, I have no choice but to press on…you all inspire me to grow and to keep moving, because no one knew how to teach me, and no one knew how to teach any of us…they knew how to hurt and how to damage, so that is what we’re good at, and we do the worst of it to ourselves. This is no way to live. In our hearts, in our souls, in our minds, we know this is true every time we face a little death that takes away a piece of who we are.

I am struggling. We ALL struggle. There is no end to the struggle as long as we breathe. Shift your focus, shift your struggle. Go. Be. Do. Live. Succeed. Simply because you can, and because it was what you were born to do. Unlearn that which has been programmed. Unlearn the damage that has been done. Baby steps equal small successes that grow into greater ones over time.

Do not give up. Do not lose hope. I believe in you, because I believe in me, and if this is not true for all of us, then how can it be true for me? Why am I not dead in a fucking ditch somewhere? Why did my head not go through a windshield in any of the multiple car accidents I’ve survived. Why the fuck was I born, if the reason was not to succeed?

You are life. You are beautiful. You are success. Live it. Breath it. Learn it. Love it.

You are not shit. Do not shit on your dreams, and do not let anyone else shit on your dreams.

I love you, thank you for being my friends.


After posting this, in going back and forth through the comments, I had a friend request I turn it into a song. Instead of restructuring it for a song piece, I did it as a spoken word and sent it to my friend, Ian, who I have started working on the experimental noise project with. This is the 3rd  piece I have sent him. While I’m super excited to see what will come of this, I’m also kinda bummed that he refuses to let me hear any of the progress on the music side, but insists on telling me how cool it sounds as it’s coming along. Jerk! lol

Honestly, if you find this inspiring in anyway, download it, mix it, whatever…I uploaded it to Sound Cloud with a creative commons license attached to it. If this resonates with you in anyway, then do as you like. I really don’t see the need in charging people for it or keeping all to myself.

[soundcloud url=”http://api.soundcloud.com/tracks/82515360″ params=”” width=” 100%” height=”166″ iframe=”true” /]

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