Thoughts on Sobriety
I’m not really sure how long I’ve been sober for now. I know my last drink was before going to Idaho with Amanda. Feels like it was ages ago.
Oddly enough, being sober at Punx In The Woods and at Dave’s bachelor party wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Good thing I was sober for the party bus though, otherwise, I don’t think everyone would’ve made it back…at some point we would’ve all wandered off to our own devices far away from the bus if I hadn’t been the drunk herder.
What was hard was not drinking at the wedding, and not drinking with Dan last night during our belated anniversary dinner.
I wish I could drink during the good times and just leave it at that, but I know me far too well. I really miss wine. Dan said they have some non-alcoholic wine at Trader Joes that I can try.
I know deep down that my therapist is right, and I am the type of person who should never drink. One drink during a special occasion leads to smashing my truck into something further on down the line, and it’s really not worth the risk.
I’m not gonna lie though, it sucked not being able to cheer with my friends during the toast with anything but lemonade. However, it made me happy at the end of the night that I was able to be sober driver for numerous people, and get there cars and them safely to where they needed to go. The old me couldn’t have done that.
I love my family. I used to tell Dan I felt like he got the short end of the stick when we got married, because his family is awesome and mine is so broken up, but at the wedding Sunday, I realized that Dan married into an awesome fucking family. They aren’t my blood, but they mean the world to me. Dave and Miss’ wedding was the most fun I’ve ever had at a wedding, and over this last week, I’ve seen more of my boys than I have in years. It felt good being around them, and to be honest, I’m a little homesick coming back to Tacoma.
I love them completely, and I finally really appreciate what I left behind. I had to move away and go seek out a life for my own, but I really do enjoy coming back to Salem as frequently as I have here lately. I really love being around the people who’ve known me for years during good times and bad times, and still love me for me. I love being just Becka, and the sense of belonging I feel when around them. I wasn’t really sure how things would be hanging out with them all if I was sober, but it’s been good. Drunk, sober, stoned, whatever…they are forever a part of me, and I am a part of them. I don’t know if it’s because we all grew up in a small town or what it is really, but there’s a bond there that’s thicker than blood, and I’m glad it’s there. I was talkin’ to Mama T about it a little bit after dropping off a car load of folks and heading back to get another car Sunday night. What I love most about my core is that everyone has good hearts and beautiful souls. No matter what has happened in our lives, it still shines through and brightly.
Sobriety is hard, but I can do this. I’m better for it, and more focused. I know who my friends are, and I know who my family is. I finally feel like I belong, and maybe I just needed some sober clarity for me to see that and finally realize it.