The beginning of the new
I’ve been in a hibernation of sorts, to say the least. It’s absolutely amazing to me that I honestly believed I could go through a divorce and still continue on with my life as though it wasn’t that big of a deal. It was a HUGE deal. It’s affected every single aspect of my life from my music to my business, my sanity, and everything in between. I’ve been super focused on change and adapting to my new life. I’m finally learning how to just simply “be” again.
So without too much focus on the past, I’m just going to move forward with the process of morphing. This comes with a new facelift for both this website and my business, Buttonwhore.com.
I’ve been living on my own for the first time in my life for over a year now. Paying bills on time and from money I make. I’m a real, live, authentic grown up now. Weird to say, but I’ve been getting used to it.
A lot of people have asked what’s going to happen with my music. Will I keep playing? Etc. To be honest, I don’t know, but most likely at some point I will.
I just released my most recent album via bandcamp a couple weeks ago. I finished my part of the recording process almost 2 years ago, and it honestly is an album I’m really proud of. I got to listen to the whole thing on some bad ass 1970 something pioneer speakers at a friends a couple months ago and it made me want to cry. I honestly believe it’s good.
I have a hard time investing in myself, which is why I spent so much time focusing on building up the music scene or touring with this band or that band. I told myself I was out learning how to do it…which was part of it, but the other part is that I’m afraid to put 110% of myself into my music. Even when I did tours for myself, I always took someone else with me that I was trying to share the experience of touring and allowed it to morph into something that made sure the entire spotlight wouldn’t be on me. It’s okay, I don’t regret it. Truth be told, I still have a lot of fear when it comes to music. There’s still a part of me that tells me I’m not good enough for my full dedication and there’s another part that still blames my life in music as a huge catalist for the ending of my marriage.
This is the honest truth of how I feel. I know the marriage ended because neither of us put the real honest work it takes into making a relationship work, and I know that when I’m fully into it, music is the majority of my world…but there’s still a lot blocking me that I am working on overcoming.
I toured pretty hard for about 6 years…not much in the eyes of the greats and something amazing to the home town heroes or the garage stage hopefulls, sure…but in the grand scheme of things I’m still right here, just doing my thing and don’t see much that’s special about it.
I will say though, choosing the path of complete sobriety, taking care of myself, and focusing on re-establishing connections with loved ones instead of stuck on all the distractions that kept me running from myself for years has proved to be a very rewarding path and has brought me a lot of healing and joy in the last year or so that I’ve taken the time to stop, breathe, and reflect.
I work a union construction job now that has proven to be a lot more demanding than I intended. So much that it’s been all I can do to keep the business from folding and music seems like some far away world even though in August of last year, I was on the shores of Binic, France, enjoying shellfish with the Reverend Beatman and a group of friends that helped to create a memory I will cherish until the end of time.
I’ve worked hard all of my life. I remember after the tour with the Mentors back in 2012, I knew that I never wanted to work so hard for so little pay ever again in my life. I’m starting to feel the same way about construction. I’m making great money, paying bills and creating new ones, but I honestly don’t like working 60+ hours a week of hard manual labor. I feel more exhausted than I did on that last SHiT tour. I enjoy the labor…but I hate working so many hours that I have just as much time for my family who lives a half hour-hour away as I did when I was overseas or on the other side of the country.
Family is important to me and I’ve learned that my presence is the best gift I can give to the people I love. I’ve been absent for years due to substance, travel, self-isolation, and so many other things. I’ve swallowed a lot of pride since I took a break from distraction and have turned the focus on healing my heart and fixing my life. In some cases I’ve found I wasn’t the sweet, kind hearted person I had deemed myself to be, and in other situations I was completely that woman.
I go back and forth with music…I don’t really know what I want out of it or how much a part of my life I need or want it to be…so I just stopped thinking about it. Today I decided I’m just going to let it be and if I feel like writing a song, I’ll let the song form…if I can make it to band practice, I’ll go jam with my boys in Bastard Child, and if one of the projects I’ve contacted seeking a female front pans out, then awesome. I just don’t want music to get in the way or become an escape from dealing with my life. I don’t want it to take away from my life with my family…and this all takes balance, patience, and time to sort out.
Overall, I’m okay. I’m still always around somewhere, still growing, pushing for better days, and still doing my thing. The only thing I know for sure is that I finally feel like the “me” I love the most and I’m ready to reconnect with the world. However that plays itself out in my life is how it plays out. I’m done getting frustrated over trying to figure out the what and the how…I just want to be. I’m a grown woman now. I have the ability to write songs and to create music of many different varieties. I have the ability to morph, grow, and change as I move forward and adapt to an ever changing world around me.
I think I’m just as curious to see what comes next as you guys are. Guess we’ll find out when I get there. 🙂