Thanking My Lucky Stars
I have never known real love until I met Dan…through that I learned to love myself and learned to accept the love of those around me. Still, this bitch has got a lot of baggage and hard as I try to purge it all, some shit still gets to me. More than anything I hate feeling worthless and treated like an afterthought. I hate being kicked when I’m already down. I think everyone does. Still, I married the best fucking person in the universe and he gives the best hugs. Sobriety is hard as fuck some days, having Baker in my corner is the best gift I could ever receive in this life. I don’t know how I got so lucky to cross paths when we did, but I am forever grateful.
I’ve been riding an emotional roller coaster ever since I got back from tour in mid September. Too much shit on my mind and not enough time to sort it all out before I get on the road again. A lot more loose ends left open this time around. Not really happy about that, but when an amazing opportunity falls into your lap, the last thing you do is say no. I agreed, without hesitation, to do this next tour, and I have no regrets. My heart leaped in my chest, and I’m excited…Spain awaits and I get to behold with my own eyes the beauty that is Barcelona and beyond…for that, I’m excited.
The thing about life is that while you can pick and choose your path, you can’t always pick and choose your obstacles.
My Dad left today for Alaska again, I was pissed and sent him a fucked off text. Not pissed that he went to Alaska, we both work jobs that take us far from home and into lives we both seem to enjoy more so than our “home lives”. In that, I am definitely my father’s daughter.
I spent most the day (when I wasn’t focused on recording for the new album) trying to remember the last time my dad paid me a genuine compliment or told me I was pretty. Seems silly I guess, but after the last 48 hours, I can’t remember any other than my wedding day. I know there’s times he’s told me he’s proud of me, I think. But I’m not really sure. I do remember on my 30th birthday this last year, I wore this grey dress I fell in love with when Pammy and I hit a thrift store together. My Dad handed me my birthday card and told me the dress looked terrible on me, and that it was something an old lady would wear. I said, “well it’s a good thing your opinion doesn’t mean shit to me, huh?” I got my hair cut yesterday and I really like it. I’ve been wanting to get my hair cut for over a month yet. I’ve felt so blah and shitty lately, and when Donnie asked me if I wanted my hair cut, it was just the thing to lift my spirits. I posted the picture on my facebook, and my Dad left a comment telling me he didn’t like it and I look better bald (another haircut I wear often that he frequently tells me he doesn’t like).
Any time I do anything to actually try to look cute, my dad almost always degrades me. When I tell him anything I’m excited about as far as any good fortune to hit my way, he usually seems pretty uninterested. Being on Rob Dyrdek’s Fantasy Factory wasn’t the cherry on the cake of my life by any means, but when I asked him if he saw it, all he said was, “I prefer to see my daughter in person.” I remember when I used to try so hard to make him proud of me. I used to bend over backwards trying to do anything to make him interested in my life and excited about something that mattered to me. I stopped that years ago, but sometimes it feels like he goes out of his way to knock me down a peg or two, just because he can. When I’m excited about traveling the world and try to share with him whatever I’ve seen or done, all he does is remind me to not stay gone too long because I’ve got a husband and family back home that I need to be with.
I’m not a huge braggart by any means, and I don’t put myself on any kind of pedastool that I need to be knocked down from. I just really don’t understand why he feels the need to say the shit he says to me. When I was at my drinking peak and pushing 200lbs, he was the first to point out how fat I looked and that my tits looked saggy, and I was too young to let my body go so soon.
They say that women tend to be attracted to men who are much like their father, and every day I thank my lucky stars that Dan is nothing like my dad. My sister has completely cut him out of her life, and I don’t blame her. Words cut like a knife. Then again, I’ve never really had any parents in anything other than name. I try so hard to not let it get to me, but some days it’s not so easy. You’d think I’d be used to it by now, and for the most part I am.
I drove home last night, happy that it was almost 2am and no bars where on the route home I took. This has been the worst Winter/Holiday season for me in years. I haven’t wanted to drink so badly since the last time I was sober.
On the bright side of this coin, Latoya and I hit the studio today and laid down 9 tracks for my new album. Drums/Bass/Vocals. It was good. I like recording with Rob, it’s comfortable and easy to be myself and just let the music flow. Recording vocals was pretty emotional for me, but I’m happier with this recording more so than the last 2. My voice is changing, and I like the direction it’s going. I’m excited about the new album. It will be with full instrumentation. Moriah aka Gardening Angel will be laying down some guitar tracks and Lee Harris, aka The Unknown Bastard from my other band, Bastard Child, will also be laying down some tracks on the album. I’m excited.