A little quick for an update? Sure, or not…who knows when the next one will come, and I got thoughts now. I’m listening to some sick ass Maiden minus Bruce Dickenson, and loving it. My buddy Chris Bronson Dj’s for this local station in Turner, OR, on KMUZ 88.5 FM. Every once in a while, I get to listen and he never disappoints. Tonight’s theme has been live tracks…Priest, Maiden, Scorpions…good shit…I’m sitting in this bare bones hotel room, and loving every minute of it.
3 California Kings, bare walls (I always hate the stupid shit they pass for art in most hotel rooms). It’s actually not really one of the regular rooms, just some storage space converted into rooms for us. But California kings, and at 6’7″ or 6’8″, Jeff passes out on the tiny ass, uncomfortable couch in the makeshift living room. He even had his own room. I preferred to sit on the floor than that fucking thing, and he passed out on it, feet hanging off the edge, snoring up a storm with a pillow on his face.
Pammy is chillin’ on her bed, catching up on her zombie shows and what not, and I want to go lay on my bed from corner to corner because I can…but my brain is just brimming…I’m still in familiar territory. Granted I have never played a show in Leavenworth before today, but I’ve been here before and it’s still Washington. We still have plenty of money for gas, food, and what not, and I’m scratchin’ my head a lil’ bit. I’ve been reading George Frizzell’s book, ‘Bathroom Reader’, and it’s been making me miss my truck. I don’t know if tour is too cush so far or if I did everything right this time, but I’m not nearly as stressed as I should be, and it bothers me a little. Granted, this is only day 3 and there’s still another 20,000 miles or so to cover. Our tour route is pretty hilarious, and is starting to form a pattern much like my shopping trips…back and forth, back and forth as shit pops into my head that I forgot. We’re going where the fans are, and where I can get shit locked in. I tried to do a straight forward path, but…oooh shiny! 15 days to go from Joplin, MO to Phoenix area, then 5 days to get to D.C., sure…why not?
Really though, the point is to travel and do some shit I’ve never done before, hang with friends both new and old, and just go because I like to go. There’s a lot I don’t want to think about. Granted, I’m keeping a clear head…brain is straight other than a couple of cigarettes smoked. Honestly, I can’t afford to start again, and 2 or 3 here and there were plenty. I have been drinking a bit more coffee than usual, but not today. No cigarettes today either, just my brain spinning.
Tonight’s show was pretty powerful for me…my voice finally chilled the fuck out, and I was actually able to sing tonight without going completely horse after the set. I’m out of practice. Starting the tour sick didn’t really help…I feel like I’m teetering on the brink of destroying my vocal chords, or seeing what I’m made of. I’m not really sure. Like maybe the raspy is a good thing, and fearing it is holding me back from the next phase…not really sure, maybe I’m over thinking it…fuck it…I’m still going to sing. Even when I can’t talk, I can still sing.
Met some really cool peeps tonight. I hate it when I’m really engrossed in a conversation, and the person thinks I’m not interested…I’m actually curious about people more so than I used to be, and connecting with fans actually means something to me. Even as I was wiping tears from my eyes (finished the set on Aftermath), I didn’t mind talking to people. Normally I want to run to the furthest reaches of the world, away from peering eyes…but I honestly want to connect to others, and if they’re feeling what I’m dishing out, then maybe they need someone to talk to just as much as I need to purge this shit from my heart. I think I’m finally starting to open up. 3 days away from hitting the 9 month sober mark…
Tonight, I also was able to talk to people from the stage, smile, and have them get the joke. Normally I feel like when I speak on stage, it is the equivalent to standing there with my thumb up my ass…it makes me uncomfortable, so I usually don’t do much of it. I just rush through the songs, rarely giving a chance for applause, and then I walk away, frustrated and wanting isolation. Not tonight…maybe this is growth, finally.
Other than the 2 week tour last October, I have never taken Z.B. on the road full time, so I’ve never really given it much of a chance to be polished. I’m starting to surprise myself and I’m starting to have fun, despite how depressing the lyrics are.
My message is simple…be you, however you are, own your shit, listen to your heart, and smile when your heart is breaking. You only live once, so fucking live. It’s all we can really do.
The rest of it is sharing the story of my life, and doing my best to be an example that you can still be happy no matter how much sorrow is built into the foundation. Every day is something new, a new chance, a new opportunity, and every negative can be a positive.
I remember when I saw Farmer Boys at Warped Tour ’98, and I spoke briefly with Matze…I asked him how he was able to smile and be at so much peace when the music was so heavy and everything was so crazy. He told me he let the music hold the chaos and rage, then he just felt at peace…Pam asked me the other day during one of our late night talks how I get over shit so easily, and I smiled and said I don’t…it still effects me, but I give it to the music so I can focus on more important things throughout my day. My life is starting to become the blended results of everyone I’ve ever admired and all the words that reached in and stuck with me since I was a child.
Every day I’m faced with choices and I do my best to choose the path that will give me the results I want. Maybe it’s working finally…but then again, who knows…life is what you make it…that I do know, and I want to have amazing adventures that take me to the odd corners of the world where I can connect with others who make their own rules as well.
I don’t know where the hell I’m going exactly, but I have a general idea, and I’m excited for the road that lies ahead…