This concept of sleep is strange to me. I finally gave up trying to get up at any certain time and my appearance escapes me. It’s like my body is still trying to function on tour mode, my heart is trying to function in home mode, and my brain just don’t know what the fuck to make of it all.
I know I’ve been pretty manic here recently. I went from full on board to knowing what I wanted it and tackling it, to stressing money, to trying to get ahead of bills, to running right back into tour prep mode while still trying to get a grasp on home business mode.
Everything is shifting again, but what else is new? I finally feel a lot better after talking to Dan this last week. Recording is scheduled. I’m crossing my fingers that I’m not biting off more than I can chew here and wasting another day in the studio. Not that the last session was a total waste, but it sucks I had to scrap everything I did last June.
I don’t think I’ve ever put out a recording that wasn’t done on a rushed time schedule. Here’s hoping I’m getting better at it, because the 7th is coming up quick. I have been so ridiculously busy lately, yet I feel like I’m not getting a whole lot done. Then, when I make a list, I see everything I did get done, and I’m like whoa…that’s a lot of shit. It’s hard to lighten the load when you’re chasing your own tail.
Anxiety stricken and driven to charge ahead. That’s a strange combination to see it all play out as I’m going through it.
I honestly asked myself the other day, “Becka are you sure you really wanna keep doing this? Are you sure you want the circus life for your career path?”, then the moment the thought came through, I smiled super cheese-ball and thought, “what else you gunna do, these are just the ropes” (or as Dan said, “paying your dues”).
Do I wish I had more time to be home for a little while longer? Yes. Am I upset that I’ll be gone so long? No. I say no, because I know the moment I step back out on that road, the sun will shine, my head will clear, everything will make sense again, and the lessons I learn will help me to be closer to and accept myself.
The concept of time escapes me. It’s November 27th, 2013, but in my head, it’s already 2015. It’s almost like I can see the beginning, the end, and the moments in between all at once. It hits me in the chest like a ton of bricks if I think too long on it. So you just go, you just move, and you do the best you can.
Why? Because life is amazing, and you never know what the fuck you’re capable of until you try.