Stalker?
Today, I woke up in Lexington, KY, on John Howard’s couch. This is where the nerdy fan girl in me really shines through. John Howard is the creator of my favorite comic book Heroine, an unnamed bad ass that lives life on two wheels, traveling around to the scuzziest of places, fucking and fighting her way through life. No matter what fucked up situation she gets in, she lives to ride another day, taking everything with a grain of salt. I loved her since the first day I discovered her in a smoke shop at 16 years old.
I wake up, surrounded by his art work, and sitting on the coffee table is 4 folders full of art that John and I went through last night in going over ideas for a couple of new t-shirt designs he’ll be drawing for me. This place is magical. I got giddy yesterday when I walked into the apartment complex and saw his name on the mailbox…I thought to myself, “this is where he checks his mail.” Then upon walking in the apartment, the first thing my eyes found was his drawing desk…and I thought to myself, “this is where all the magic happens.”
John jokingly called me a stalker yesterday since I was sitting on his couch in his apartment. Seriously though, he is my friend and has been since I first found him on MySpace years ago. I kept the emails to a minimum for a long time, because I was afraid of bothering him…yes, I am a fan girl…but I guess I don’t come off too creepy, since he housed us and fed us last night.
The cover of my latest CD, I’m The Asshole, was drawn by John, as was the sticker and tshirt art for my short-lived punk band, SHiT. That was a dream come true for me, and I feel very fortunate and lucky that he did those for me.
I came to Lexington specifically to meet John face to face finally, and I’m so glad I did. He’s super nice, polite, and sweet. His girlfriend, Stacey, is also pretty fucking awesome as well as a pretty bad ass artist herself. It’s thanks to her I got added on to the show at The Green Lantern last night, which was also pretty fucking amazing in of itself.
All the bands, the crowd, everything about last night was awesome. I met this rad chick named Heather who’s also a musician, getting ready to make some hardcore sacrifices in launching her musical career. It reminded me that yes, sacrifice is all part of the job, and believing in the power of your dreams is worth it. Also thanks to coming out and playing Lexington, there’s a slim chance that one of my cd’s is going to find its way into the hands of Amanda Palmer.
I know better than to get super excited about things that might happen, so I’m not, but I think it’s really cool, and if anything comes of it, awesome. If nothing comes of it, then that’s awesome too. I live a very interesting life, where anything is possible. I believe in the power of my dreams, and I believe in the magical world of doors that open up to you when you choose the path of following your dreams.
The cloud of negativity that has been covering this tour is gone, and I feel free. I didn’t realize just how much my mood had been affected by that cloud. No longer am I creating pockets of happiness for myself in which to enjoy, instead I find myself simply having fun as a natural reaction to my environment-the way it should be. The sky is a little brighter in my world. Well, a lot brighter actually. Honestly, it sucks that I had to do what I did, but there was no other way around it. And 3 days later, I’m really glad that I did. He would’ve hated the last two shows, which were absolutely amazing, and I’m glad I don’t have to hear about everything that was wrong with them in his eyes.
The vending machine was an absolute hit last night, and the folks at The Green Lantern almost emptied it. The machine alone brought a special element of fun to the evening that had the whole bar rolling in laughter and excitement. One guy spent like 10 bucks or so on it, and said it was better than winning the lottery. It made me happy to see the joy it brought to folks. Joy is what I live for, I love to spread happiness.
My music is changing, as is the reaction I’ve been getting from the audience, and it’s so weird for me to see. I’m starting to get better at accepting it. The amount of people laughing and snickering is becoming less, as is the groups of people who talk through my set. The audience is listening, and not only are they listening, they are cheering and giving me heartfelt hugs after the show. Hugs feel really good. I honestly like hugs. I never thought I’d say that.
Heather told me last night that I’m reaching people, and they don’t really know how to deal with it, it gives them goose bumps and makes them uncomfortable because I’m baring my soul and reaching out on a different level. She said they don’t know how to react to it, but they like it. It’s been so hard for me to break out of my shell and really connect with other people, but it’s what I really want. I want to connect with people, I want to let them in, I want to remember their names.
There’s a goal I’m trying to reach here, and it started with Pammy. I want to help the hard cases, the ones who think there’s no way out. I want to help people like me. The hard headed, stubborn, self-destructive people who are hiding a bright, bright light way down, deep in the bowels of their hearts.
This tour has taught me patience…finally…and there’s days when I just want to scream and rip what’s left of my hair out. Bringing Pammy along has been a real challenge, and there’s moments when I just want to strangle her…but I don’t…I walk away, come back, and talk later.
So why did I leave Jeff at a bus station, but not Pammy? The best answer I can come up with is that Jeff enjoys being mean spirited towards others, while for Pammy, it’s a defense mechanism. I can see in her eyes when she says she doesn’t care and tells me to go fuck myself that it’s just a wall, and sure enough, the wall comes down in the quiet moments when her thoughts slow down. She wants to be kind to others, and let her heart shine through, but it’s hard and it hurts, and I get it. Jeff just seemed to be content accepting that his attitude was affecting everyone around him, but he didn’t care, because as he told me, “That’s just how I am.”
I love Jeff, but closing your heart to others and to the world around you is not going to get you very far in life. He wanted me to show him the ropes, and share my knowledge, but even after nearly 7 weeks of hanging with me in this world, he didn’t get it. He didn’t try to get it, he never asked questions, and he gave up on being involved on anything more than the level of being along for the ride. You get out of life whatever you put into it. When he told me that it was my tour, and he was just allowing me to do things my way and had been making compromises on my behalf the entire time, it honestly made me sad. I honestly do not take any joy what-so-ever in leaving someone I care about alone at a bus station in the middle of nowhere with more shit than they can carry. It sucks, but at the same time, if it had been me, I would’ve left weeks ago were I in his shoes. I would’ve asked to be dropped off at a friend’s house along the way or a bus station earlier on…not just sit, filling my slot, and hating most of it.
I do not believe in wasting time. I get one shot at my life, and if I am somewhere that I do not want to be, then I go where ever it is that I feel I should be.
Jeff told me he was just waiting to go home so he could plan out the kind of tour that he wanted to be on. Other words were shared, and I said I was done. I felt disrespected, hurt, and seriously offended by some of the things he said. And no, I don’t think he’s a bad person, but I couldn’t bare another mile with that kind of attitude sitting next to me.
The words to my songs are real. The song, Not That Desperate, comes to mind…
They say I can’t keep running around
To Follow my bliss on a whim
When they speak I look in their eyes
I see lonely, desperate and pain
I prefer to stand my own ground
Than to live numb, jaded, and shamed
No matter how low
No matter the cost
No matter who I give up
Never again
Will I believe
That I’m not strong enough
I am learning a lot about myself, and yes, I am the person who will leave you behind if I feel you are dragging me down. I will do everything I can for you, but I will not put up with insults or disrespect, I will not put up with you insulting my friends, and I will not carry you if you are not willing to do the work that is needed to carry yourself.
So anyway, once again, I am the asshole for standing up for what I believe in and for following my heart. This path is not always the prettiest…but like I said, my lyrics are truth. My song, Drifter, also comes to mind.
Life, it comes to me in waves
Yeah in life, I ride along the waves
I keep in mind the scattered bones
Fluid pavement eats away my feet
I won’t die in the sea
No, I won’t die in the sea
There is a sadness in my soul, and it is where the inspiration from my songs come from, but it is not all of me, nor most of who I am. I love to laugh, enjoy life, and I love to wear my smile.
I had written this earlier in the tour because I was upset that Pam kept asking me what time it was all the time. She still does, but I’ve gotten used to it. Time doesn’t exist in my world, and the only reason I look at my clock is to ensure I make it to load in on time.
When I am the child,
I run without thinking,
I care not what time it is,
and I enjoy all the little wonders I set my eyes upon. Leave the child to play.
If she goes away,
the sadness sets in and no one will be having any fun.
There are very few things I need to keep my world in check…loud tunes, an open road, and a full tank of gas with no concept of time. Nothing makes me happier than this combination. Being the only child amidst two grumpy adults has been hard, really hard…but I also know that I have a choice every day when I wake up. I have a choice in every moment that greets me, and all of my actions are my own, to do with as I please. This is the same for everyone in my company. Accountability and accepting responsibility for my actions is important. So I will own it all, everything. This tour is all my fault, and despite whatever pitfalls have come along the way, I have enjoyed most of it, so I will gladly accept that it’s my fault.
I have met some of my very favorite people in life like Ugly Shyla, Dr. Spookenstein, and John Howard, I’ve tasted some mighty fine food from all over the country, I’ve shared moments with old friends, I connected with my family, I connected with my heart, I connected with my fans, made a shit ton of new friends I can’t wait to see again, and I am in love with life.
I have one last show that’s scheduled on the 31st in Bellingham, WA, where I will be surrounded by more family, and the road home is still unclear, but I know if I follow my heart and push forward, that the road will provide, just as it has all along. So far the only thing Dan has paid for this whole tour is the van payment, the insurance, and a pack of smokes. I would call that successful. Hopefully next tour, that will all be money in his pocket.
In 16 days, I leave for Europe to embark upon a new adventure as an Outlaw Carnie. I am a Master of the Wind, I bare a heart of steal, and I am the key master to my dreams. I’m a hard working muther fucker who is a goddamn road doggin’ machine with a heart full of love, and an interest to share if you can keep up and pull your weight. I love this crazy, crazy life that surrounds me, and there’s nothing I want more than to continue doing what it is that I do. My smile is back and bright as fuck.
I’ll see ya when I see ya.