So much to do, so little time…
Well, the date I originally planned on leaving has changed. So much is up in the air. I leave in roughly 23 days.
My tax return has been beyond delayed, with no explanation of why, so there’s a lot of shit on hold, but I’m not giving up.
I have about $80 to my name right now, a $450 tshirt order in limbo, a $50 dress order in limbo, and I still have no fucking clue what I’ll be driving on this tour. Seriously.
My truck needs about $2000 in repairs and a small trailer if it’s going on the road with me, and it’s hard to put a down payment on a used vehicle without the funds to do so.
I’ve been busting my ass on button orders, my Porn ‘N Posies project idea on OFFbeater, helping a friend get her life on track, and doing my best to stay calm and get shit done.
And I know, with everything on my plate, the last thing I should be doing is worrying about someone else’s life path. I really believe in her, a lot. It’s hard to build success out of a life path that was born broken from the get-go. She recently relapsed after being clean and sober for a month, and while most would put her out on the street after such a thing, I gave her the days needed to recoup from a dumb decision.
My dad saved my life once, without even realizing it. He came down, and got me out of the shit I was doing, moved me up to Tacoma in with him, encouraged me to find work, and let me figure things out on my own. I was skinny as shit, and he had no idea I was using drugs or how bad of an alcoholic I was. All he knew was that I wanted to get out of Oregon. So he drove down, packed up his truck with my boxes, and we drove north. I’ve pretty much been in Tacoma ever since.
When I’m on a self destructive path, I tend to keep it to myself. No one except those I’m down in the hole with would even know how bad shit is, and they wouldn’t care because they are probably just as fucked up as I am. Everyone else either turns their heads, or is just naive…so they don’t see.
When I look at Pammy, I see a girl who wants to get out, but is having a hard time. She makes choices and some of those choices turn into mistakes, just like anyone else. When you’re born into that kind of world, it’s really hard to see any real way out. She’s 23 years old. For this first time ever in 23 years, she has a safe, calm environment to live in. It’s hard to accept, it’s hard to get used to, even if you want to get used to it. I know, because Dan has been providing this same environment for me for almost 9 years, and I’ve only appreciated it in the last year. He never gave up on me, because I never stopped trying to achieve something more than the shit existence I thought would always be mine. I had no clue what a light at the end of the tunnel would look like, and the fact that it took me 8 years to realize it had been surrounding me continually is really disgusting and sad…but everything takes time, and progress is hard.
So now I’m sober, and I’m pretty far away from the path of self destruction that used to cover every part of my life. I see this girl, who is my friend, and she is trying so fucking hard to break free from the chains that bind her. She didn’t know life could be like this, and after a month of being here, she made the mistake of thinking she could go hang with folks who use drugs and be fine…she was wrong, and so she relapsed. She learned something from it, and she learned such a hard fucking lesson this time around, that maybe, just maybe it was a bad enough experience to keep her on a path of progress.
Most people would kick her out, but when my friend calls me, fucked up on drugs and wanting to throw herself off a bridge, because she realized the mistake she made too late, what am I supposed to do? Kick her out to a shelter where she can be around more drug users? Leave her in the street to die? Or bring her back, feed her, let her nurse herself back to health and give her a chance to reflect.
All of her self-realizations have come from her. I give her projects and things to do, but her thoughts and her progress have been her own. She hasn’t stolen anything from me, and other then being a bit of a bitch while coming down the last couple of days, she’s been pretty awesome.
I know I don’t have to this, but this is part of what I am building, and I believe it’s important. I want to find ways to inspire real change. When someone is working hard and walking a path to recovery, and actually making the effort themselves, what kind of asshole would I be to turn my back on them? If she keeps relapsing, that’s different, but this was only 1, and she learned a lot in a very hard way, so I’m going to be patient. I am still in recovery myself, and it’s still hard, but I’m doing it…and I’m succeeding…in 2 days, I will have 8 full months of a sober life. My record is 10 months, and I intend to beat that and keep going.
I see a lot of myself in Pam. I’m not going to turn my back on her, I’m not going to give up on her unless she gives up on herself. Relapse equals weakness, it does not equal giving up on yourself. I know because I’ve been there. This is the 4th time I’ve quit drinking where it lasted for longer than a month. I know drugs and alcohol are different, but addiction is addiction, and it is fucking hard to break the pattern once you’re in it.
So there’s that.
Pam’s hospital visit to the E.R. wasn’t my only trip to the hospital in the last week either. My grandma suffered a mild heart attack on the 1st, which lead to a whole bunch of shit, including her now being listed as DNR (do not resuscitate). If she had been listed as DNR prior to this E.R. visit, she would not be alive today. For anyone who hasn’t known me long enough, my grandmother has had a laundry list of close calls the last few years, and it has been a huge transition as her dementia has gotten exceedingly worse and she had to be moved permanently to a nursing home.
My biggest fear right now is that she’ll die while I’m on tour. I’m staring at 5 months being on the road solidly. I love my grandma, she spent her 81st birthday in the hospital this last week, and while I will miss her greatly, I’m at peace with the thought of her moving on to her final resting place. What I’m not okay with is not being able to be here for my dad and my aunt. My dad is a Mama’s boy. He always has been, and he has a knack for destroying objects and saying hurtful things when confronting situations he can’t deal with. If it happens while I’m in Europe, I will not be able to come home. I know I can not stop my dad from being who he is, but I am the voice of reason when dealing with massive family situations. I can easily see my dad shredding my aunt and stomping all over her heart unintentionally when it comes time to make decisions involving grandma, just because it’s easier to do it and move on…don’t worry about the pieces, get over it. My dad is going to break so fucking hard when my grandma goes, and if I’m not here to hold him, I don’t really want to think about the repercussions from that.
As much as it sucks to say, if she’s going to go soon, I want her to go now, before I leave.
Life and death never wait for anyone…and still I press on.
Oddly enough, the grandma stress bothers me more so than the Pam stress. Pam will rise or fall depending on the choices she makes. I’m just giving her a safe house to be in while she decides what she wants.
My grandma on the other hand…I am so worried about the nightmare that will come from that. I’m so fucking worried about my dad. I love him so much, and he hasn’t been able to handle this since he first found out she could no longer take care of herself. Even when he tried, he did a piss-poor job, which is why it’s mostly me and my aunt, and now more so my aunt due to my busy schedule.
So with all this stress, how do I find time to focus on my business and an upcoming tour? Other than this twitch in my right eye that has been fairly consistent for the last 3 weeks, and almost zero sex, I’m doing surprisingly well. Survey says, I’m pretty much fucked on every level right now if I put it all together(notice I’m not writing anything about the added stress from my business or haven’t gone too in depth about not having a vehicle to tour in yet or a multitude of other things related to that). But Becka sense says, harden the fuck up and keep pressing forward, so that is exactly what I’m doing.
This is a test of how important my goals are to me.
Had a conversation with my girlfriend about goals the last time I saw her, and she mentioned my “having help” from Dan as making life easier. I took that as her implying that I’m able to stay focused and get shit done because I have Dan providing a roof over my head. I think about this, and again I am laughing to myself. The fridge is empty, the bank account is overdrawn, we barely paid mortgage last month, and the last time I got laid was in her bed something like 3 weeks ago. For every person who’s ever told me or implied Dan is the reason I can do the things I do, all I can do is laugh.
Sure, it’s nice to live in the same place for longer than 6 months or less. It’s was also nice that Dan taught me how to work on my truck so when my alternator gets fried on the side of the road in California, I was able to replace it without paying a mechanic I couldn’t afford. As far as climbing into the trenches and doing what’s needed to turn dreams into a reality, help has only been passing and temporary. When help does come along, it was because someone saw me busting my ass and said, “hey Becka, do you need a hand?” Every time that has happened, folks eventually realize just how much work is involved…and then they fade away. You can find a perfectly good example by seeing just how many members are currently in my Zebrana Bastard project. I haul my own gear, I book my own shows, I write my own songs, etc…my success or my failure is reliant solely on what I am able to do, and how far I am able to push myself. Sometimes I have help, but I never get reliant on it so much to the point that all progress stops when it leaves.
Consistent help would be nice, but I don’t believe in compromise, which means I’m not going to put up with anyone who treats me like shit, or strays too far off path when they decide they want to be a part of my life and a part of my success. I know what I want, I know what I need, and until I find the person who clicks with me and it all makes sense, there will be certain aspects of my journey that I will always be alone on. I was lucky enough to find a man willing to provide a safe and stable life to come home to when I need it. I have also been very fortunate in finding folks who help in certain aspects, like Todd from TS Customstuff. Thanks to him, I haven’t had to learn how to fix and/or rebuild my basses when they break. And there’s others too, but all of these relationships also take work to maintain. It’s important to respect and honestly care about the people who are helping you. If you use them or take advantage of them, they will go away as quickly as they came, and such is the balance of life.
And I’m not complaining, as stated before, this is a test….all of this, and when I come through, shining on the other side from the blood, sweat, and tears I went through to get there, it will all be worth it.
Still, my heart breaks every day, the mountain of problems pile up, and still I say to myself…fuck that shit, I’m climbing this mountain and making it my bitch.
Most people would give up right now. Most people would throw their hands up, cancel tour, and stay home to take care of everything they are worried about leaving behind and unfinished…but not me. I’ve seen my dreams, they are vivid and bright, and the harder I work, the closer I get. There is no time left for distractions, there is only the path ahead that lies to my success, and I will have everything I need. Everything will come together, and it will be better than I imagined because I deem it so. I have the heart of a warrior, and the mindset of a winner…this world is my world, and my dreams are my reality. I only fail if I quit.