Been talking to Dan a lot since I got home, especially these last few days. Been opening up to him a lot more. I think I’ve just decided to trust him completely. After 9 years, I guess I’ve just decided to say fuck it. I always confess to him whatever is bugging me before I make shit public, he’s a strong fucking man.
I’m at a point right now where I’m just not sure which direction to go. So much shit emotionally has been laid out in front of me. I’ve been asking myself “how the fuck can I be any kind of role model and help people when I have a hard enough time just keeping my shit together?” and he looked at me and said “small doses”. To which I half smiled.
I remembered this day back when Bastard Child was still doing pretty well, we were between guitarists, and Tim had been playing with us for a while. Jason and Tim stopped by unexpectedly to pick something up when I was in Becka land. They asked me if I was okay, and I kinda shrugged it off, “yeah, I just wasn’t expecting anyone to be around, I’ll be fine the next time you see me…” and I was.
In about 10 hours, I’m driving South. You can say whatever you want, but there comes a point in life where the rubber meets the road and you have to make a decision. Hard decisions fucking suck. Period.
Over the past couple of days I have been faced with something that I never thought would ever happen. It’s one thing to tell someone you are willing to hold a certain responsibility, it’s another thing when the day comes and you realize that if you go against that promise, that it rewrites everything about who you are. Life is pretty odd in the timing department. So what do you do?
You’ve been preaching from your soapbox for years, and now it’s time to put those words into action. It’s moments like this that completely make or break who you are and what you stand for. So I have 2 choices, I can drive South tomorrow, or I can scrub my arms with bristle pads. No matter what I choose, it fucking sucks. And most people would say, “you’re over reacting”, and my response to that would be, “you’ve never truly loved someone, or felt strongly about anything, have you?” Most people have no fucking backbone, period.
So tomorrow, instead of buying bristle pads, I’m going to prove I have a fucking backbone. My dad would tell me, “it’s not your fucking problem”, but to that, I say “you pick and choose your battles.” If I don’t make this drive, I will never forgive myself, and everything I’ve ever said I stood for would be bullshit. Bottom line is that I give a fuck, and now it’s time to prove it. Protect your children, even if they aren’t yours by blood. I have 6 children that never came from my womb, that I would do almost anything for.
I’ve spent the last 2 and a half years running, neglecting any and all responsibility that couldn’t be handled from a computer, but truth of the matter is I had a life before I hit the road, and people who mattered to me in that life. Nothing comes without sacrifice. I just hope the outcome of this trip ends in a best case scenario, because all the odds are stacked in a pretty fucked pattern no matter which way they fall.