Slow, but steady…
Something else I often forget…opportunities are everywhere all the time. It’s important to keep moving, and not to focus on that one opportunity you are hoping for…just keep moving, keep working today like you never did anything yesterday and things will happen in there own time and in their own way. 2 rules of the road: Never get excited until the moment it happens and never ask for anything.
I really, really miss the day we ran through that rain and lightening storm and every moment that a mission was being carried out. That rush of adrenaline that left you teetering on the line of feeling alive or living in a dream. I hope I come across someone like that again, because I really miss not having you in my life and all the amazing shit we pulled off together.
I spent last night mourning that friendship. It’s hard. Every time I run into someone we knew mutually, they ask if I’ve heard from him because he’s not returning their calls or texts or messages. I always say the same thing, I don’t really know. “We don’t talk, and I’m out playing and doing my thing, I think he’s working on that epic album he always wanted to do.” I hope I’m right.
I was thinking about breakfast in Vegas that one day…and listening to him tell me how life doesn’t work the way he had been doing it. I felt like a weight had crushed my heart. Every time I’m driving alone, I look to the passenger seat and see a ghost of my past. There were days I could look at him and see the gears turning in his head, and all I was waiting for was his mouth to open and share what he had finally figured out. I’ll go to jail for you, I’ll do anything as long as we keep running like there’s no tomorrow.
I knew the moment it was over, I saw it in his eyes, and the decline of everything culminated when he told me that “life just doesn’t work that way”.
So I’ve been struggling, but I keep moving forward anyway. A little slower because the dynamics have changed, but I’m still moving forward, and in the back of my mind I keep hoping I run into him some where along the road, and he’s smiling, chasing down some new and amazing mission of epic proportions that he’s dreamed up.
I miss you, I miss you more than words can say. I miss the shit we did, and watching you shine so fucking bright that it was blinding. I hope I can find another friend and partner in crime someday that is equally as inspiring.
So I keep thinking about the now whats because the past is gone, it only leaves the residue of a dream. I looked at Dan last night while I was pouring my heart out to him and said, “I’ve never had an idea that failed. It’s time to do something new and big and fun again, because I miss that.”
Zebrana Bastard is good for my heart and good for my soul…it’s a purging, it’s a therapy…but she’s not serious all the time and never has been. There was a time when Zebrana Bastard was all tits and ass and fun and games. There’s so many facets to her…I looked through pictures over the years, and just seeing the transitions, I have reinvented myself so many fucking times, it’s weird to see. There’s some pictures I look at and go “Wow, I can’t believe that was me.” All the stupid insecurities I had, and why? Those pictures are captured moments in time. I look at them and think about everything that was going on behind the photo. The stress, the blood, the sweat, the tears of everyone that was involved and had helped to build all those little empires.
Of all of the things I have built, Punks In The Woods was the only one to continue without me, and it’s still good and amazing…7 years solid. There’s a time and a place for everything. Everything begins and ends so it can be molded and shaped into something new.
I’m constantly molding myself, changing, growing, and learning. So I figured out my next challenge is to start running through rain and lightening storms alone when I have to. I started doing it with my last tour, and I’m so every eager for April to get here…but there’s still a lot of work to be done, a lot to prepare for. I’m $300 in repairs away from taking off. $350 if you include the rear tire my truck really needs…but really, that’s the major thing keeping me home, and I’ll get there. There’s a lot of little stuff that needs to be handled too, and I’m taking care of it, little by little. I’m taking this stretch from now until April as one of the many lessons in patience I need. Everything comes in it’s own time, and in it’s own way.