Uncategorized | November 3rd, 2013

Was honestly on my way to bed…lights off downstairs, head up the stairs, get ready to climb under the covers, then BAM! Had to pick the laundry up off the floor and put it in the hamper, which somehow lead to having to reorganize my closet.

*shakes head*

At least that’s done. My closet looks presentable now.

I’ve been in a funk. It started when I got sick and I’ve been in bi-polar overdrive the last 2 weeks. Fucking stupid. My head has been a clusterfuck that’s been hard to sort out, and even though I’ve been making progress every day, it hasn’t felt like I’ve been going nearly fast enough.

I started organizing my office area, and then it got put on the backburner between being too sick to do much of anything physical and getting ready for Wake The Dead III. Which-on a side note-was mostly fucking awesome. Mediating fights at the end of the night wasn’t exactly my favorite part, but I’m not going to let the negative suck up all the good energy that came from that party. Up until about 2am, I had a fucking blast, got to meet some cool peeps face to face that I’ve spoke with online before. I also got to meet a lot of new faces.

I got really down on myself and was trying to take all the blame for this financial pickle we’re in. When I finally spoke to Dan about it last night, he smiled and looked at me, “you’re not walking that path alone babe.” Even though I enjoy the side work I’m getting, working for someone else isn’t my favorite. This too shall pass, is only temporary, and we are scraping by. That’s better than being in debt.

Pammy called me, happy that she hit 1 month clean today. I’m proud of her. She seems to be doing really good and I’m crossing my fingers that she can carry on her path with few pitfalls once she gets out of rehab. I believe in her. She’s been going above and beyond what’s required of her at the Rehab center, and seems to be really focused on her recovery. Only time will tell, but I am hopeful.

As for me, I’m having to stop, rethink, and regroup. I’ve been filling up my time with so much shit that it was starting to spiral out of control. The radiator is completely shot on the van, so my lack of driving availability is making me feel stuck. Even if I have no intention of driving cross country at the moment, I like having the option to leave at any given moment if that’s what the mood calls for. With Gerty pissing out half a gallon of radiator fluid a day, that’s not really a cost effective option. I’ve been waiting for mine and Latoya’s schedules to line up that I haven’t been refining any of the new songs for the album and then I go and try out for a local band tonight that I know will be nothing more than fun, at best. I have Bastard Child for that. The music is fucking ripping though, so I’m going to give it a shot. If I can’t stay focused on everything else, then it’s gotta go.

So here’s he current list of goals…

1. Finish the online store for my website.

2. Finish organizing the office.

3. Take care of the custom posies orders that came in.

4. Make more Porn ‘N Posies to build up back stock.

5. Finish songs for new album and practice them as often as possible.

6. Record album in Febraury

7. Work as much as possible to get everyone I owe right now paid off.

If I do the math, I probably have about a grand worth of shit I need to take care of on top of all of our normal bills. It’s been stressing me out. I’ve been working side jobs and a part time job that make just enough to keep gas and fluid in the van and keep on top of our household bills, with not much left for anything extra. Dan and I agreed no matter what bills we may have to fuck off, we’re getting the van fixed when he gets paid on Monday. That will be one less stress off my mind.

Pammy can finally receive visitors, so I’m planning a car pool trip next Sunday. I figure if everyone pitches on gas, it’ll be fine. I also feel it’s a sacrifice worth making. She hasn’t seen a familiar face in over a month. I know it would be good for her.

So I’m over it…this bi-polar, manic depressive bullshit that I’ve been dealing with the last 2 weeks. I got shit to do and I don’t have time for it. My list ain’t gonna knock itself out and crying over it won’t get anything done either.

My closet is clean and organized. I can breathe easier.

I’m also thankful for simple things in life like raking leaves and painting a floor for $10 an hour. Today was a good day. Today I felt more like the me I love most. Now it’s time to sleep. I got shit to take care of tomorrow. 🙂


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