Perseverance mutherfucker…
I guess an update is overdue, at least I feel like one is. I’ve been sick since Sunday. A wicked cold has been kicking my ass, but I’ve still managed to leave the house at least once a day since this shit hit me on Sunday. Sick or not, I got shit to do. I hate being sick, it makes me feel weak and worthless. Two things I really strive not to be. You could say it’s been ingrained since birth…prove to myself I’m not what others who had a strong presence in my upbringing tried to make me believe. Whatever…bottom line, it sucks being sick. I haven’t slept a complete hour since Sunday night, and last night I was hallucinating that the house was whispering to me in low, fast tones.
The last time I was so sick I had hallucinations, I was 17 or 18. I literally saw Mr. Bubbles steal my medicine, my wallet, and crawl back into his box. I started screaming that Mr. Bubbles was pissed because they put him in a plastic jug and everyone would pay. I had a fever of 103 or 104 at that point. This time, not much of a fever or anything visual. I also knew the voices weren’t real. At the moment back then, I believed Mr. Bubbles was really running around my room and fucking with me.
Today, I feel much better. Elisha, a friend, brought me over some Emergen-C and Day Quill, and I’ve had a bit more energy the last 2 days.
So needless to say, I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of anything on next weeks paycheck. I’m hoping I can be well enough to get to work on Friday, but I’m really not feeling like swinging sledge bars or fighting shit with saws-alls. My body still feels cold to the bone and weak.
So yeah, I said it…work. I have a job, a part time job working for TAP Demolition. I’m not exactly excited about working for someone else, but I don’t really have a choice in the matter and it’s fun to break shit for a living. We’ve been eating pork and beans for the last 3-4 weeks now. Our cupboard and fridge are pretty pathetic, and the van decided to spring a leak in the radiator 2 weeks ago. I’m not bitching…shit will get better. It always does. When it rains, it pours. Doesn’t matter if it’s raining cash or bills, shit always seems to stack up in the fluctuations. Right now, I’ve been stressing on how I’m going to get us out of this fucking mess. Where there’s a will, there’s a way, and this bitch is a strong fucking cunt.
Part of me has been freaking out because I find myself stuck. Even if there was a tour to go on, I couldn’t go. The traffic ticket I obtained last April has now turned into a fucking warrant, and potentially my license could be temporarily suspended. I’m waiting to hear back from the judge on that. It’s amazing the way shit turns on you when you actually try to take care of it. All I can say is the California law system is fucked, but that’s everywhere and goes without saying. And sure, I could’ve skipped out on going to Europe to make sure everything was cleared up…but fuck that.
I guess to sum it all up, tour season is over for the year. It was an amazing 5 1/2 month stretch, and now I’m paying for all the fun I had. lol
I’m sitting on 1 year, 3 months, and 2 weeks of sobriety right now. Still feels pretty fucking good. Actually, being as broke as we are right now really makes me think and makes me happier that I decided to quit drinking last year. I used to drink our grocery money, and we don’t have that right now…so if I was still drinking I’d probably be drinking my mortgage. Nope, that’s still solid on 5+ years without a late payment. ha ha ha
My spirits are up a bit more than they were the last few days. My head went to some dark shit. I pulled my gun out Monday during Molotov practice when I was pacing around upstairs, then immediately put it back and thought to myself…”well that was a fucking stupid idea, it’s just a cold you idiot.” Triggers are weird like that…you think you got it all figured out and then your mind gets twisted over some bullshit. It’s hard to explain really. Guess part of my brain is still a little crazy…tie it in with feeling weak and worthless, I start pacing and shit ain’t right. This was Monday night. So a couple days ago. I was really fucking pissed, I needed to talk to Dan, and Mondays are the one day where the house is a huge revolving door. Timing just ain’t right some times.
We’re both exhausted, we’ve both been exhausted, and there’s no breaks. Practice with 3 different projects for each of us Monday-Thursday. I’m trying to work Mon, Wed, & Fri nights. busting my ass on the Button Whore website, and then I open my big fat, stupid mouth (I say this with a smile) when Merle Allin throws up a need to lock in tour dates for the upcoming Murder Junkies tour this January. I figured, house show…easy. Nope…not easy. Then I thought, I’ve been in music forever, it’ll be no problem to have a venue locked in within’ the next few days, I know enough people…easy. That’s when reality hit me like a brick or a shit ton of bricks. I’ve been gone for 4+ years. Even when I’m home, I’m gone. I rarely go out to shows, I rarely socialize with anyone outside of my home, all I do is work and Tacoma has changed.
I never really cared about being popular, but it is so weird to see how so much shit has shifted around here. Dan used to be the husband that no one ever saw, and only those close to us knew him on a first name basis. Usually, it was just “Becka’s old man”. Now when we go out, if anyone we’re around knows me, they are surprised to see me. Most people socialize with Dan mostly and I’ve become the slightly invisible “wife” they’ve heard so much about. I don’t hate it, but it’s certainly taking some adjusting. All the folks I know well hardly go out anymore, venues have closed and opened…and the regular drinking crowds look so much younger than they used to. I know I’m only 30, but fuck I feel old and out of touch with Tacoma. The fact that it took me 2 weeks or so to finally lock in a venue for the Murder Junkies really struck that home with me. Venues that used to exist were gone, others where no one ever went were booked out, and most the promoters who are active have no clue who I am.
Getting people out to creature shop this year was like pulling teeth. I was really looking forward to hanging out all day with friends and building cool and crazy monsters. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun and we made some cool shit, but it’s been hard to pull it all together.
Friends who were just starting school are almost done and more friends got married and/or had babies the last 2 years than I had folks I love die while I was out on the road. These are all adjustments.
I’m finding I really, really miss my friends and my family. I’ve been gone a long time.
Understand, I’m not complaining…this is just the shit I’ve noticed. I’m happy to be booking the Murder Junkies. This will be my first ZBP show outside of my house since I booked The Athiarchists at The Java Jive in 2011. I’m excited to put it all together, but it was really frustrating trying to lock a place in, and it reminded me that I’m not really a local booker anymore. I mean it’s one of my least favorite activities when I put my own tours together. I’m happy to be accomplishing everything I have been the last year, but I am also exhausted. I spent my vacation on the go, and when I got home I went super go-go-go mode.
I have not given myself a chance to rest. Even with being sick twice in the last month I still pushed on and forced myself to make something happen every day. I feel exhausted.
So where’s the good news? Because focus is important. Wake The Dead III is this Saturday. As broke as we are and as hard as it’s been to pull everything together, I’m really looking forward to it. It’s the biggest party I throw all year and I think it’s going to be a lot of fun. The last big party was in March for my 30th birthday. That was also a lot of fun. 🙂
I am booking The Murder Junkies, and am really looking forward to that. I really appreciate Chuck and Joy for helping me with the process to get it locked in. More will be on that later. I am working, 2 jobs actually. I guess I forgot to mention that. I work for TAP and I’m also working a temp job that calls me when they need help for expos and large music events. I feel much better than I did the last few days, and am hoping this stupid ick will be cleared up before Saturday. Button Whore website is coming along nicely. Parts of it get frustrating because I hate building websites, but at least it’s not taking me 3 years to build like this one did. My business is growing, not as quickly as I’d like it to, but it is still growing. The extra time I’ve spent with Dan has been nice. We still don’t get to hang with each other as often as we’d like, but it’s a lot more frequent then it used to be and most the time I go to bed around the same time that he does.
Shit’s going to happen. It happens all the time, every minute of every day. Where your focus lies is what keeps you upright and moving forward on your path. Even though I was pretty low these last few days, I still managed to do something productive every day, still managed to bust my ass and get some shit done, and am still fucking standing even if my bones are shivering. Shit happens, but it doesn’t last forever. So far, this Winter is not off to it’s best start…but I will tackle all the bullshit that has piled on, I will get the bills paid, and beans is better than no beans at all. It’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than an empty bank account and a sinus infection to get the best of me.