Oh Bloggy Blog…

Blogalogin | April 15th, 2012

So it’s been hard finding motivation to type up a new blog after completely reformatting my site by accident. Part of it is because I’m not done adding pages and editing the site, so I really don’t want to put any time and effort into typing up my thoughts in case I hit a wrong button again. On the other hand, if I hit the wrong button again, all the work I’ve done on the pages would also be lost again, so any way I look at it, any time spent since the first wipe out is still time that would be lost, regardless if it’s a blog or the rest of the site…so fuck it, fear is never a good reason to not do anything, and fucking up is how I’ve learned some of my best lessons in life.

Getting ready to head out on the road again. Leaving Saturday, got a show back in my home town at Clockworks Cafe on the 21st down in Salem, OR. Pretty stoked about the showcase. I played there almost a year ago during an open mic night, and the response was really cool. This is gonna be a hit and run show, because I’m driving down the day of the show. Then soon as it’s over, I gotta drive South to Eugene to meet up with Aaron, jump in the van, and we’ll be Vegas bound.

Always seems funny to me that when I tell people I’m going to Vegas, they automatically assume I’m gonna be hitting up the casinos, but I’m not much of gambler. Only thing that brings me to Vegas is music. Our sound engineer lives down there. Sometimes I kick it with my buddy, Leon, whom I met in Salem 11 years back, but usually the only thing I see is the studio, a venue, maybe a music store if I absolutely have to, and Mike’s apartment.

We keep trying to convince him to move back to Oregon and join SHiT with Aaron and I as our drummer, but so far it hasn’t worked. Aaron and I wrote this song for the SHiT album, called “Stray Dog Syndrome”, and then I put some tour footage to the rough track and called the video “Doggy Gone”. I was pretty stoned when I did it, but I still think it’s kinda funny.

Needless to say, Mike never responded when I posted the video on his page(he knows I love him to pieces, but I’m sure I have that “annoying kid sister” affect on him at times). We give him a lot of shit, but he works super fucking hard at the studio he works for, and is an amazing sound engineer. Maybe one day he’ll come join us on the road forever, but until that time comes, we’ll have to suffice with late night drum calls and trips to Vegas. If you need some tracks mastered professionally, you should hit him up. You can find him under my “miscellaneous” links section at the bottom of the page as “Mike Lavin Mastering”. He’s got 15+ years of experience, and is well worth the money.

Sometimes I have a hard time grasping everything that is going in my life. Everything is moving so fast. I’ll be 30 next year, and while age is usually just a number to me, 29 times around the sun is a pretty damn good accomplishment, especially since there’s a lot folks that were really close to me that never made it that far. In a way, I use them as motivation. I think about all the dreams we shared in conversations in our teenage years, and I keep them close to my heart. I feel like every goal or achievement I make they are partially responsible for. I have many reasons for pushing myself as hard as I do, but to honor the memory of my brothers and sisters who’ve died is a huge one. I don’t want to waste any time or life while I’m breathing and able, so I run as fast and as far as I can, achieving as much as I can. I think another reason is to prove to myself and show others that it’s possible to come from a bleak existence and make your life whatever you desire it to be.

Sometimes I get so lost in what I’m doing that when I come up for air, the world I find myself in is an odd and curious place. I’m not the angry child I once was(at least not as often), and I’ve done a lot of growing up the last couple of years. Still trying to figure out how to balance personal relationships, friendships, my marriage…although, my marriage is better than it’s ever been here lately. In my sobriety, the cloud has lifted, and I see things in what is often a painful light. Dan, my husband, is amazing. We’ve been together 7 years, 5 months, and 5 days. He’s rarely wavered in the 9 or so years I’ve known him. He is the solid rock in my foundation, and the keeper of my lighthouse.

When I say sobriety, it doesn’t mean I don’t drink at all, but the frequency in which I used to drink, and the dependency that had a hold on me is no longer an issue or cloud that covers my life. The desire to be completely wasted is gone, the desire to be out of control is gone. Not saying I don’t have my moments of weakness, but I’m done allowing alcohol to have any kind of hold on my life.

Lately here, anything I used as a way to escape from my problems, or that had any kind of control over me, I have removed it’s power from my life or am working on removing that power. Cigarettes, Alcohol, and Sex all had their claws dug firmly into my being, and I was sick of it. I don’t even know what I was addicted to more, the feeling of being out of control or the methods I used to escape from my problems. It’s hard to change your habits, things that have been a part of you for so long. It’s hard finding ways to adapt and grow, but it’s not impossible either. I think a lot of people confuse hard and impossible. Nothing is impossible, you’re just being lazy, and not willing to put forth the effort to do what needs to be done to find a healthier outlet for yourself.

Writing helps me a lot, so does music. In most cases, when I write or play, it’s my way of purging my demons or just dumping my brain. I used to talk to people, but I’ve been doing that less and less. Opening my mouth at the wrong times is another problem I’ve been trying to remedy, focusing on being a better listener, trying to judge less and weigh everything before opening my mouth…learning when it’s better to keep it shut. Learning self control. Learning patience. Still making a lot of mistakes in that department, but getting better at it. I’ve been focusing a lot of time and energy into what Dan needs as well. I can be a really selfish cunt at times, and it amazes me just how much he has put up with over the years some times. If the roles were switched, I think I would’ve left years ago, but I’m glad he’s still here.

I have no desire to find another man to replace him, not that I ever did…I’m more so sharing that as an “fyi” than anything else. We’ve been through some serious shit together, and I have no desire to put this much time and energy into someone else, not like this. We’re open to the idea of a 3rd in our union, but we’re not really actively looking for her. If it happens, cool. The problem that generally comes from looking for something, is it’s easy to try to form other things you find into what it is that you’re looking for. Meanwhile, the perfect fit is slipping further and further away. I’ve stopped trying to do a lot of things. Stopped forcing life, and being more open to whatever happens will happen.

This doesn’t mean don’t create goals and don’t go for them, it’s hard to find the words…more so throw the energy out there, keep it tucked in your mind all the things your heart desires, and don’t worry about the “how” they will come to be. Stop trying to control everything. The more control you think you have, the less you really do when it comes to things outside of yourself and your own actions. It’s also good to be open to change, a lot of times the way you achieve the core of your hearts desires is not by the way you intended.

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