Home Again…
So I’m very, very close to launching my Kickstarter campaign. I’m waiting for the amazon processing to complete.
I used to ask myself “just how much is one person able to take?” Over time, I’ve learned that the answer is very simple…as much as you are able to carry. My joy is as equally as great as my sorrow.
I’m so scared…anything could happen. Nothing could happen, or everything could happen. Never know until you try, and I’m not too scared to try. Never too scared to try. My final draft is done. I’ve sent the preview to a bunch of people in seeking constructive criticism.
Got home from the last tour around 2am or so this morning. I wasn’t going to announce it, because I don’t have a lot of time to really hang out with anyone. I’m super behind on everything, and I have plans to spend some serious quality time with Dan and with my Dad. My social activities are very limited. It’s not that I don’t like my friends, it’s just I really need to focus.
There’s so many thoughts going on through my head right now.
I feel like I’m being hated because I refuse to give up. My life is tied in with another, and this other person is hurting so bad that at times it seems as though they want to sit in a hole and let the dirt bury them alive, but because I’m pushing things along, and a part of them enjoys the fruits of these labors, that they are not able to give up completely, and I feel like they hate me for it. I don’t know, it’s so hard to explain.
You are responsible for your life. You are responsible for your dreams. Never be afraid to try, don’t be afraid to grow. Don’t be afraid to fail. To trip, to fall…that is how you learn. You learn what you are truly capable of when all the chips are down.
I embrace the fall, it sucks and it hurts…but it’s all a part of the process to building something greater. Failure is only permanent if you allow it to be.
Life is a constant flow of failing and succeeding…growing and drifting, it’s everything, it’s continual…it’s a never ending process.
My heart hurts so fucking bad right now, and I just keep pushing ever onward.
It is possible to hate something so much that you become the very thing that you hate. I see a lot of things, I see too much. I weigh out so much, seeking balance in every situation, striving for more, striving to live, striving to feel, striving to love. In most cases, the things that you feel is also the same things that you’re projecting on others, regardless if you see it or not.
I want to curl in a ball and cry…what I want right now is something I’ve wanted more than ever before in my life, and still I am denied. I want the presence of the man I love, I want to bury my face into his chest and cry until my throat is dry and my legs are cramping. I must wait until he gets home from work. I tried so hard to get him to call in sick today, but it’s not his style. I just really need him right now, and it’s hard to admit that. I’m ready to break, and I’m sick of breaking alone. I’ve spent so much of my life alone, partially because of how I was raised, and partially because of the ways in which I isolate myself. Trust no one…people get offended when you tell them that you don’t trust them. Most of these people are the same who will slap you down and tell you they love you in the same moment. Most people will hurt you given the opportunity, so what’s the point in trying? This is the main question…why try? Why press on? Why continue? Why follow through? Why love? Why strive? Why not shoot yourself in the fucking head and give up entirely?
For me the answer is this: because I am not done yet, and I don’t believe in giving up.
Tour was amazing though. It was difficult, challenging, and amazing. This picture was taken on the last night of the tour in Las Vegas, after we were all finished playing, the gear was packed away, and we prepared to go our separate ways.
The Dirty Dozen - The Mentors, Pottymouth, and my band, SHiT
From left to right
Back row: Mark(Pottymouth-Drums), Jason(Pottymouth-Lead Vox), Marc “Mad Dog”(Mentors-Drums/Lead Vox), Aaron(SHiT-Guitar/Lead Vox), Steve “Dr. Heathen Scum”(Mentors-Bass), Dean “Licks Muffstuffer”(Mentors-Guitar), Becka(that’s me!)(SHiT-Bass/Lead Vox/Tour Manager for the whole shebang), Fred(Pottymouth-Guitar)
Center: Ben(Pottymouth-Bass), Justin(SHiT-Drums)
Bottom: Bill(Pottymouth-Performance Artist), Larry(Pottymouth-Performance Artist)