Hard To Take A Compliment
So…my last therapy session was about trying to be more approachable. It is so hard for me to accept compliments, and I think I’ve been putting some of my fans off after a show when they tell me they really like my music. When I say “Thank You”, I really do mean it. It is so fucking hard for me to say “Thank You”. I used to put myself down instead.
Despite what folks may think, I still have some self-esteem issues. I sing and perform, because it’s the best way I know how to release. I don’t do it for fame, glory, or money. I don’t really like talking about what happens on stage. While it gets easier and easier for me to do it, it’s still really hard and emotionally draining. I’m sorry for telling people to “stop sucking my dick already”, when they try to tell me how much they appreciate me. It really is overwhelming though when people tell me how awesome they think I am.
You guys are my friends, I love you, I see us all as equals. I don’t want to talk about my performance, because I feel like it takes away from whatever magic may or may not have happened on stage. If it brought a tear to your eye, know that the feeling is mutual. I’m glad our souls connected.
I don’t really talk about the shit that’s happened to me in my life, until I get up on that stage. With the help of Sam(my acoustic bass), and calling myself Zebrana Bastard, I can pour out every slice of pain that’s ever hit me throughout the course of my life, and leave it there. Depending on my level of emotions that day, I usually need 5 minutes and a cigarette before I can really face anyone after my performance.
I am getting better with accepting compliments, and I’m sorry if I’ve put anyone off by telling you to “stop sucking my dick” or whatever. I honestly, really do appreciate the fact that my music touches you. I’m glad you’re able to connect your soul to my mine in some form. I think we all feel a little less alone after I play for the people it matters to. I prefer hugs to words. There aren’t really any words that can fully describe the scars that build a person into who they are. When I get off stage, what I need more than anything is a hug, not words.