Fuckin’ Weird
Intimacy is fuckin’ weird. Not bad, just weird. Caring is weird too, and so are relationships. Everything you do affects other people, but when you give a shit how your actions will effect others, it adds a whole new dynamic to the picture.
At which point is it okay to just throw all your eggs in one basket, and say, “okay, we’re going to do this no matter the outcome, and when the seas get rough, we’ll work together through it until the calm of the storm?” Some people do that every time they enter into a relationship, they just dive right in and give everything until rejection or something else occurs.
Dan and I were talking a bit about this last night, like how important is sex in a relationship in the grand scheme of things? After 8 years, I think sex is better now than it used to be. Even when it’s lazy and at minimal effort, because it’s not so much about the physical as it is enjoying the company of the other person. Oh that’s right…I learned how to make love, so not everything has to be “pound my head through the fucking fall as you beat the shit out of my pussy”. I’ve grown, and learned to love myself. Not that “pound my head through the wall” sex doesn’t have it’s place every now and again, but it’s not the first thing I look for any more. Also, while I love having sex, it’s not the main thing on my mind as much as it used to be. Give me a week without, and I’m ripping his clothes off when he gets in the door, but I get distracted with my work easily most of the time. Bottom line, if you love someone, and that love is reciprocated, the sex will get better through communication.
But we were talking about something specific, and he pointed out that we were friends and very close for over a year before we had sex, and it worked out fine for us. Not that there weren’t a lot of issues to work through, as I’m fucking crazy, and intimacy was really hard for me. There were days when he’d try to hug me while my head was a mess, and I’d just scream at him to get the fuck away from me and not to touch me. Touch, when I was in a vulnerable place, was almost impossible. To relax and enjoy the cuddle made my skin crawl, there was no way to enjoy it.
Trust never came that easy for me. And it makes sense when you take in to account the challenges I’ve had to overcome in my life. Now that I’m older, I wouldn’t say that trust still comes all that easy, but there are certain characteristics that you begin to recognize in others, which makes it easier to trust people.
One thing I am completely amazed of this week was we got our blood test results back from Planned Parenthood, and Dan and I both have 100% clean bill of health. When I think of all the random, drunken, unprotected sex I’ve had over the years, I smile and count my blessings. Things are changing again, or at least they are continuing to change and progress.
I’m coming up on month 5 of sobriety in a few days, and the longer I’m sober, the less self destructive behavior I really want to inflict upon myself. This is a good thing.
So I’m slowing down a little bit in that I’m seriously thinking about the things I want in life. Work, love, play…all of it. But work is love and love is play, and to be honest, you have to work hard at all 3. At least I do. Some things come easier than others, but for longevity, a certain amount of dedication is needed.
There’s a part of me that really wants to put all of my cards out on the table here and see what happens. The intimacy is there, and I feel the potential for love could be strong, but I’m afraid it could be one sided, and I’m afraid it could turn my whole fucking world upside down after I finally got a handle on this whole marriage thing. I want to be more open, but there’s new variables, new complications, and that other thing I need to help pull it all together…that one thing I hate: Patience.
But I bought Orange Juice with no pulp, on the slight chance that she might stop by before the gallon is empty, and I know what that means. It means I’m already attached.