Uncategorized | September 24th, 2012

I feel like I live many different lives sometimes. Life is drifting, continually. Having a hard time keeping track of days, and hating that my next tour is only going to last for 10 of them.

Everything is everything.

Music with John seems to be flowing in a forward motion with minimal effort. We already have 8 tracks down…drums, vocals, bass…some guitar. You ever feel like you’re moving so fast that you’re not really moving at all?

I’ve been feeling weird and unmotivated lately, even though I seem to be accomplishing many things. I think I just need to be on the road, and this weekend can not come soon enough.

I miss Aaron and my adventures with him and The Athiarchists, but I’m glad to be on my own now. The last two years feel like something that happened so long ago. Years pass by in the blink of an eye. A few months left in this one, and I’m already working on plans for next year.

Another project is starting to form as well. One where I’ll just be singing, and oddly enough, it’s a cover band. We’ll see. Zebrana Bastard is still number one in my life.

Kinda looking forward to winter, but afraid I won’t get nearly as much done as I’d like to. Money is a stressor, but it always is this time of year. It’s hard to pick a path on anything that’s solidly lucrative. Not that it should really bother me, as it’s always been my way…but still.

It’s a challenge. Being married, and having this other person you care about. Always a challenge. So much was supposed to be accomplished this year with Dan’s goals…and still it seems like everything is the same. More money doesn’t solve many problems at all. Sure you get some bills paid, pick up a few extra things you’ve done without…but the furnace is still in the living room, the car is still having trouble, the bike is still in pieces, and the tickets to Phoenix have not yet been bought. Money is getting tighter by the day.

I struggle with this a lot. Am I to blame? Part of me feels yes, and part of me feels no. We all pick and choose our battles, and we have never had the same approach to accomplishing goals. Driven. Driven is the best word I can use to describe me, but where is still the key question.

The end result is beginning to form, but I still have these days when I don’t really see the point. Humanity feels like a completely lost cause some times, and I am still just as morbid as I’ve always been, even without the booze. Over 2 months sober now…more like 2.5. It’s hard, I can’t lie. Hard to not drink during the good times.

Still trying to come to grips with, well everything I guess. I’ve got a pretty good grasp on the vague description, but life really is like sand, don’t hold too tightly to anything otherwise it drifts away.

There’s also a relationship that’s been fucking with me a bit. Really trying not to let it get to me, more so trying to just accept it for what it is, and not mold it or focus too much attention it’s way. It is what it is. Been asking myself a lot of soul searching questions. Specifically about my behavior regarding it. I think I have been spending too much time focused on it, so I’ve stopped for the time being. Breaks are good anyway. I guess that’s the nice thing about not having a title attached to anything. You don’t have to apologize when you disappear…but a part of me feels like I should. Squelching the urge to call. He deserves more from me than to treat him as one of my many distractions anyway.

Been thinking a lot about the documentary also, and my recent lack of attention on it. That will change in November though. Due for another visit to see the kids anyway.

Been really thinking about what it means to me to be poly, and more so, what it means to show those you love that you do respect and care for them. Dan needs me, and when I’m gone too long there’s parts of me that forget just how much I need him as well. We have a great relationship when I’m an active participant in it.

My mind drifts a lot…about Dan more so than anyone. I’ve been racking my brain, trying to figure out how to get his needs met. Tomorrow is our day together without any other distractions. We’re supposed to turn our focus towards the garage, and now I won’t go to bed for some fucking reason, as if my body has it’s own methods of defiance and sabotage. What’s stupid is pretending like I have no control over this. All I need to do is lay down, throw on some Joni Mitchell, and I would’ve been asleep hours ago after I was done with the buttons.

It bothers me that I get better sleep away from home than when at home. I still feel like there’s too many distractions here. So easy to skirt responsibility this way. A list of tasks to accomplish, a little over 100 bucks in my pocket, and more to buy than I have the resources to take care of. Buy buy buy, consume consume consume.

Things are starting to bother me more than they should. Stress, stress, stress, and the pressure is on. It will all lift come Sunday though. Nowhere to be but the open road and the next destination. I need it, it is a drug I am completely dependent on, and I feel like I’m withering away when not constantly on it.

Travel. I guess I’m just fighting myself. What I want right now, I can’t exactly have, and there is no one stopping me but me really. If I told Dan I was leaving and would be back whenever, he would step aside with only a slight protest that would be closely connected to money, or the lack of more so. So I’m not going. That’s the fight. I’m forcing myself to stay home this winter, because if I don’t go anywhere, and I stay in my house is saves money. This feels completely unnatural for me, and I hate the idea of it…but I think this is one of those “sacrifices for love” things they talk about. I hate compromise, and I’m thinking maybe a part of me is afraid that by staying home intentionally, it will lead to being permanently trapped here. Like he’ll start to expect me to stay home more often, and I try to, but I guess it’s really not what I want at all.

John and I look at touring differently, I’m curious to see how long this will last. I guess just as long as anything else does until it ends. Best not to worry about it, and just enjoy it. The self-sabotage really needs to end somewhere and I’m honestly having a good time.

I want to drink, but I know that’s not the answer, so I’m not going to. I’m having trouble concentrating on anything else really, and I think that really…that’s where the problem lies. I need to see my therapist…soon as I get a spare $50, I’ll get my hour.

The key is to stay focused, think positive, and keep moving.

Good night Becka.

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