Changes are constant
My first therapy appointment in over 6 months is scheduled for this upcoming Tuesday. There’s so much to process inside my brain right now. I’ve been completely sober for a month or so now, it’s a weird feeling. Not the sobriety so much as everything that’s available to me.
I really like making buttons, been doing a lot of that. The goal is to re-up on supplies, and put the profits into savings so I can make the repairs needed to turn my truck into a reliable touring rig. I know he can get me anywhere in Washington and Oregon, but he’s never ventured further than that.
I don’t really know where to start clearing my head tonight. Did another interview for the documentary today (yesterday, but I haven’t gone to bed yet, and it’s nearly 4:am), got another one scheduled in about 11 hours. Weird doing them without Amanda. She wants to plan another trip for Idaho.
I know I should probably just focus solely on the documentary, Zebrana Bastard, and the button business, but I haven’t touched my bass since Lame Fest. I feel like I don’t have enough time to focus, but songs have been seeping out…I know once I sit down with Sam, it’s going to just pour…I can feel it. She’s been beckoning me hear lately, and I just sit and stare at the case, knowing what’s going to happen once I open her up.
I did a strange thing after the last tour, I told Dan I was going to try to make more of an effort to be home…and I said that I understood how it’s hard to make a house a home with me gone all the time. But here it comes again, because I can only play house for so long. Doesn’t really feel like “playing” anymore per-say, but my home is the road.
Sold merch for Bob Wayne the last time he came through Seattle, and picked up his new album in the process. I’m in a transition right now, guess you could say I always am in transition. I had just finished pouring my heart out to Dan, telling him how I want to be a better wife and trying to be home more often, and then I left to Oregon and Idaho for a life altering week that followed, and this is what was on repeat in my cd player.
Listened to that same song for almost 2 hours straight.
My heart is my heart, and no matter how hard I try, I am who I am, and I live how I live. I think Dan knows, and maybe that’s why he was so quiet when I told him I would try to be home more. He never said much about it. He just stared off into the road and didn’t really say anything except that he loved me.
I’ve been sabotaging myself, trying to keep myself home. Not playing my bass, spending money that could’ve been used to repair my truck…but I did get a new windshield. The electrical system is up next. So many projects. That’s the expensive one. Trying to focus on staying home so I can save up the cash to make the needed repairs.
I’ve been canceling a lot of shows. It was all for good reason, but not something I’ve ever done before. I had to step outside of myself for awhile and focus on someone who needed me to care for something outside of myself, and a lot of good has come from it. I’m building a healthy relationship with my sister, which is something I’ve never really tried to do before. I’m grateful she never gave up on me, even when I told her to.
The documentary was a good decision, it’s a lot of work, but a good decision. The path of healing is growing. The stories are 8 strong now, and the effect is already happening, and we haven’t really done much in regards to what the main goal of it all is.
I’m so afraid, so afraid that one day I’ll be gone too long, and Dan won’t be here anymore. I’ve always told him that I will always come home as long as I have a home to come to, and I mean it. I know the key is to trust in that he will be here, and deal with the fears if they ever become a reality. I know what it’s like to be alone and thought I could do it with ease, but I felt that recently, and I didn’t like it so much. Guess I never really did like it, I was just so numb that I didn’t care what happened to me, but my heart has grown softer to a point over the last 9 years or so.
I’ve been drunk for so long, but I’m finding that I’m just as much myself as I ever was. Still an asshole with a heart of steal and a fistful of love for those strong enough to handle me. It’s been almost a year since I put the breaks on, and over a month with none what-so-ever. What bothers me is not having that occasional glass of wine or that beer when I feel like it…but it never stays as simple as that. Give me the wrong combination of circumstances, and it’s Santa Cruz all over again. It only takes one single moment to make an impression that will last a life time, and I’m trying to be more aware and in control of my actions.
If there’s anything the road has taught me well, it’s that we’re all connected. Those connections are not really as far away as many would think. I’ve put almost 2 years into Zebrana Bastard now, and now she’s the main focus. I can do this. It’s hard. I miss having someone else there. I miss road brothers, but they are still out there…just chasing their own paths, and doing what they need in order to accomplish their own goals.
Meeting with a girl who wants to make music with me. I’ve been so adamant over the years about not playing with other women, but the idea doesn’t bother me so much this time around. We’ll see what happens. Life only happens one moment at a time, and the only thing the future really holds for me is more unknown adventures until I live them.