35 days, and counting…
Feeling accomplished and wigged out at the same time…so much shit to do, so little time to get it done. I love traveling, but when I know I’ll be gone for about 5 months solid, I feel like I’m forgetting everything. Already been on a tour sleep schedule for the last few weeks. 35 days until I’m outta here.
Less than 24 hours ago, I legitimized everything. Zebrana Bastard Industries is now an official business. I now own Zebrana Bastard, Button Whore, Dirty Vending, Porn ‘N Posies, Becka Baker Button Maker, and Stalwart Steel. All of which are nestling cozy under the Zebrana Bastard Industries umbrella. Gonna write my business plan while I’m on the road, since that’s the only time I’m gonna have some down time. Got a bunch of shit knocked off the list, and more shit in the works…April is almost totally booked out for tour and May dates are slowly getting solidified. I’m excited.
March 3rd, one of my besties, Scott Schroeder, will start work on producing “Pretty When You Die”. He’s pulling in a bunch of musicians to fill out the sound, and all I gotta do is show up bright and early at 8am down at the school. I’m excited to see what will come of this. I think our vision is very similar, and Scotty is pretty stoked on doing it. He found a drummer, and is working on finding a cello player for it. 🙂 I hear cello in most of my songs.
Bastard Child played our first show as officially back together this last Friday night. It was actually a lot of fun. Took me about half the set to get reacquainted with my character in that band, but it still felt good. The crowd was pretty responsive to us playing an all acoustic set…it was a nice experiment that worked really well for the evening.
The whole show was a lot of fun. It was Jason’s birthday, who is also our drummer, Honkey Bastard. My baby’s band, Molotov Colostomy played. It’s a comedy bluegrass band…they are really starting to sound good. I even broke out of my shell and played harmonica a bit with them. I’m always hesitant about playing live, because I’m still not very good at harmonica, but I really do love playing it. It’s also nice, because bluegrass is the only type of music that Dan and I can really play together without getting on each others nerves. It’s nice. 🙂
Shotgun Kitchen was also pretty cool. They’ve gotten a lot better since they dropped the 2 members I saw them play with last. I really enjoyed their set. Everyone was so nice and in good spirits, and it was cool to see faces I don’t get to see as often.
Pammy was awesome as well, she sold hair flowers for me and filmed the show. She’s been a wonderful assistant to me with Porn ‘N Posies since she moved in. I’m super proud of her progress and accomplishments that she’s made over these last few weeks. She’s an awesome kid, and I’m glad that I’m at a point in my life where I can provide a safe home to someone who’s on a path to recovery from addiction. I think we help each other out. I just recently hit the 7 month mark. I did it on a night where I was DD for a friend during a girls night out. Didn’t really appreciate the repeated offers for drinks, or stirring her drink with her finger then trying to shove it in my mouth…so it will be a long while before I repeat such a night with her.
People don’t get it…but most people respect my decision, and I’m glad. I have no problem with people who drink heavily still, other than I can only tolerate so much for so long, and I have to mentally prepare myself for it. If you wanna drink, then drink. But don’t try to force it on me. Seriously, you might as well be putting a gun to my head. When you’re trying to shove a drink down my throat, you’re saying, “Here Becka, I know you’re making all this awesome progress now, but for just tonight, why don’t you go ahead and kill yourself just for a laugh.”
I spent most of my life working hard and repeatedly destroying it just as hard…a continuous cycle of self abuse and torment. Putting myself in bad situations, narrowly escaping being raped and murdered repeatedly just because I didn’t know my fucking limits, and my judgement wasn’t on par once I was over the edge. I once had a friend tell me, “you don’t go walking down a dark ally way in a mini skirt, alone because you like yourself.” She was talking about a period in her past, but her words rang true like they were my own.
I have seen the errors of my ways, and I’m not okay with the person I used to be. I don’t hate her, because without all of that fucked up experience, I would not be the woman I am today…but no one in their right mind would go back to that, and I am finally in my right mind. Thinking is clear, connections make sense, I feel smart again, and it’s been a long time since I felt smart.
I came across an old journal while Dan and I were doing our January house cleaning spree, and thought I’d read a few pages for shit’s and giggles….but instead, I was horrified at the person I used to be…such a low self esteem, and fucking stupid. The journal was from when I was 17. All I did was drink and put up with this fucking asshole who treated me like shit. There’s even a letter I saved that he wrote me about how all he wanted to do sometimes was choke me and kill me because I wouldn’t let him do what he wanted to me sexually. My response to the letter in my journal was that I was glad he shared his feelings with me, and that everything would be cool, we would work it out because I loved him.
Reading each page made me sicker to my stomach…to think it took me almost 8 years to appreciate the life Dan has made possible for me and all the times I wanted to sabotage our union because being treated with love and kindness was so foreign to me. It’s only been through sober eyes that I was able to see how wonderful my life really is. It’s hard to shake the world I came from. Living in shelters and cars, on the streets, skipping home to home to home because no one wants you, and everyone who does is either too chickenshit to step up to the plate of responsibility, or they want you for all the wrong reasons. Bred out of children raising children from white trash and incestuous households. I was born with a big mold to break and a huge cycle of abuse that is still hard to shake…but next month…next month, I’m gonna be 30…and to me, that is an amazing fucking feat in of itself. On March 23rd, I can say, “I FUCKING MADE IT!” because I look back, and over half my friends weren’t even close to being that lucky.
No…I’m not going back to the old me, I’m done feeding the cycle of self-abuse, and intentionally inflicting unwanted pain on others.
I love my friends, and I will never forget where I came from. I will always cherish the memories we’ve made when I was still walking the path of a perpetual fuck-up, and I look forward to sharing more memories together when I have the time to hang out, but if you can not accept me just as I am and want to shove a fucking drink down my throat for a laugh, then put a gun to my head and pull the fucking trigger. Because if I drink again, it’s game over, and all this awesome progress I’ve made has been for nothing.
Speaking of progress…we’re still with our girlfriend, Cheryl. She’s pretty fucking rad. Part of this weekends activities was seeing her perform with the debut of the new circus troupe that she’s a part of. She’s fun to watch on stage, and I’m not saying that just because I like here. She is a really good performer. It was nice to steal a couple of days with her over the weekend, since we haven’t had a chance to spend any time with her over the last 2 weeks.
She’s stubborn and a bit bullheaded, but I think it adds to her charm…I don’t do well with push-overs. We all still have an open relationship together, but I really haven’t had any interest in pursuing anyone. It’s not just because I don’t have the time either, I’m really not interested. I know that will change once I go on tour…still have my normal hook up points along the route, and open to the possibilities of more if the timing is right and the person peaks my interest…but at home, I’m really okay with just Dan and Cheryl.
I think a big part of it too is that I can’t fuck someone who’s drunk and only willing to admit they like me when they’re drunk. It’s a huge turn off…and since most of my friends drink and only hit on me when they’re drunk…there ya go. It makes me feel like a creeper or something, I’m just not into it. That was something that used to bug me back when I was drunk all the time too…the folks who would only want to hook up while under the influence of something. I never needed booze to be kinky, it just made me more violent.
So what else? There’s been so much shit going on here lately…it’s kinda hard to wrap my head around…I just keep burring myself deeper and deeper in my tasks, trying not to let myself get too far away from shit. Gotta dedicate tomorrow to booking after I drop off a couple button orders off at the post office.
Business has been steady and gradually picking up, which is good. I feel like I’m finally doing something right. Patience is still hard…but I am accomplishing tasks. Gotta add a paper cutter to the list of office supplies needed…I’m sick of cutting thousands of paper pieces with scissors. lol
Been writing my cousin Eddie more frequently. He seems to finally be adjusting to life in prison, and I’ve been learning a lot about my family and myself through our correspondence. Breaks my heart finding out how many signs were showing that shit was just wrong when me and my sister were little…but at the same time…consider the source. Not my source of info…but just referring to the roots of the tree I come from. I really do love Eddie a lot, despite why he’s in prison, and I really enjoy our letters. I think it’s healing for both of us. Even when we get pissed off at each other, the letters kinda force us to work our shit out when one pisses the other off.
But anyway…long update, I know…there’s been a lot of shit on my mind lately, but I’ve been so wrapped up in work. I finally hit a break, I’ve been meaning to do this for over a week now.
Bottom line, I’m excited. I am working my ass off, and I’m doing it for me now. I’m meeting people who inspire me, and push me to work harder. I’m coming to terms with myself, who I am, and where I come from. I am becoming firmer with my boundaries, and understanding that limitations only exist if you believe in them…so there for, the world is limitless, and possibilities endless.
When I first told Dagmar about my Pornsettia idea, which has now turned into Porn ‘N Posies…she said, “that may be your million dollar idea.” Funny thing is about a million dollar idea…no one else is gonna make it possible, and if they do, you’re most likely not going to benefit from it. I made $3400 last year between freelance writing, buttons, and hair flowers. I see the path. It’s hard and there’s still a lot of work to be done, but I’m making it happen. Each month is better than the previous month, and I’m not talking about money(all of that is still going right back into the business)…I’m referring to quality of life. I still have my bad manic days or huge anxiety freak outs some times, but I am digging myself out of this fucking hole, and each step is getting a little clearer than the one before.
If you laughed at my expense, don’t expect a hand out. If you think you’re gonna drag me down a few steps back, then you won’t last long in my life. I love my friends, and they are still the foundation of who I am, but if you do anything to intentionally impede my progress, I don’t need you and I wish you all the best that life can offer in return.