10 Years
10 years ago, a man sat across from me at a picnic table. I had never seen him before, but his eyes made me feel as though I’d known him my whole life and more. I never saw him sit down, I just looked up and he was there. He told me that my purpose in life was to be a beacon of light and love, to help those in the darkness find their way. Then he left, and I never saw him again.
I laughed.
12 hours ago, I finally understood exactly what he meant.
I don’t know exactly what it is that I’m meant to do with my life, but with every interview, I feel like I am finally on the right path. It’s hard to stand for what you feel in your heart is right, especially if you’re trying to be that way all the time. There’s a lot of people who will shake their heads, they won’t understand, they’ll say your wrong or that it’s okay to bend your rules a little in this or that instance. But how many times can you bend the rules before you are nothing like the person you wanted to be? How many times before your values are nothing more than empty words.
I harbor both a monster and some kind of twisted angel creature inside of me, we all do. The one you feed the most is the one that will stand the strongest. How many of you out there wish you could just drop your walls and be who you feel inside all the time? How many of you wish you could drop the formalities that you’ve grown accustomed to but don’t really mean? How many of you wish you could stop hiding your true face from the world?
I used to really hate that people feel so intimidated by me, and it still bothers me to a point. I am different, I am special, and I do have a lack of patience for a lot of bullshit. Across my chest is a steal heart, forged out of the embers of a fire, and the music pumping through it’s veins says “Stand and fight, live by your heart.” Most of my tattoos are reminders to myself to be the woman I know I am inside, the one who has been struggling for years, fighting to come out. No matter how many times I slip and fall, when I look in the mirror I see these badges covering my body, constant reminders that I was meant for more than a continual path of fucking up on a road to nowhere.
I am not the person I am because I wish to be intimidating, I am the person I am as living proof that no matter how much shit life throws at you, you can be strong, you can find happiness, you can have control. It’s not always a constant thing, it does take a lot of work, but it is possible to rise above the ashes of the bridges burned. Anything is possible with will, determination, an open heart, and an open mind.
You WILL make mistakes, you WILL fall down, you WILL feel broken, you WILL feel alone, you WILL fail at some point in your life. It does not mean that your life is destined to be a pattern of failure and bad luck. You can break the pattern, you can change the cycle, you can be more than a self-hating, self-inflicting, chaotic whirlwind of pain. I know it’s possible, because my life is changing. I know many of you have watched those changes occur first hand, while others watch from a distance. Anyone who’s lived with me in close quarters knows just how fucking out of my mind I can be. I am finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel for real real.
The first step is you have to find something you can honestly give a fuck about. I mean truly give a fuck. Care so much that it opens up your soul, care so much that it melts those fortified walls you’ve been building for years, care so much because when you look at the big picture and the patterns of pain that you’ve lived you realize that you honestly have nothing to lose in doing so because you’ve already lost it all.
How many times can you lose everything? Only once. Because if it happened twice, then the first time wasn’t as great of a loss as you originally thought. Bottom is different for everyone, and until you find bottom it’s hard to reach the top. Keep jumping, keep climbing, don’t give up. We are energy, we are life, we are tiny fragments in a universe of possibility, and if you weren’t meant to accomplish anything in your life, then why are you still here?