The Woman I Was, The Woman I Am
This has been a really weird month…weirder than normal…it started out with my mom just wanting to talk and say hi, see how I was doing because she suddenly realized she has a phone and can do that. As the month comes to a close, I had the best conversation I’ve ever had with my dad in my entire life. A real, meaningful, deep conversation that lasted a good long while. No distractions, no subject changes when shit got emotional…something real.
I’m beginning to see the domino effect take hold as I continually strive for a better life for myself and more than the place I came from. I used to hate women, now I’m comfortably living with two of them. Odd.
I’ve been working a long time on this, striving ever forward, and I’m starting to reap the seeds I’ve sewn. It’s much better than the days when I used to hate myself every time I looked in the mirror. The people I surround myself with, the situations I find myself in, the observations I make and the love that continues to grow with Dan I contribute to my sobriety. It’s weird. I get frustrated a lot still, and the wires don’t always click when I’d like them too, but life is better.
I had a pretty hard core emotional breakdown about a week before my last drink, and Gary had stopped by to grab some stuff he had been storing in my shed. It freaked me out, because I hate when anyone sees me in some kind of emotionally vulnerable state, but we had a nice long talk and smoked a bowl together. Gary is a smart muther fucker. I know a lot of people know him as that crazy, drunken metal head, but he’s got a big fuckin’ heart and he’s smart and more aware of the world than you’d think. He helped me gain some perspective that day…because my life ain’t that bad. Not really bad at all these days. Stressful as fuck, for sure…but bad? No. Not even when it’s been a rough winter with a freezing house and an empty fridge…a lot comes to mind that my life is right now, but bad isn’t even on the list.
When I was talking to my dad a few days ago, he kind of laughed a little and said, “honey, none of us will ever be completely sane, it’s just not in our genes.” I know he’s right…I just find ways to deal with shit as best as I can, avoid the really bad triggers, and stay focused on my goals. Goals are good. You can’t change where you come from, and you should never want to. Instead, learn from it and rise above it. The last thing I ever wanted to be was another statistic…following the path of my family. Somethings you really can’t get away from, and if some things change, you won’t really be who you are…but you still got a choice. Everything is a choice.
I’m proud of my sister. When we spoke the day her daughter was born, we talked about a lot of things. She finally took my advice, put herself in therapy, and is facing the demons of her past. The conviction she has in doing better by her daughter and raising her in a manner that breaks the cycle is the same conviction I had and have when I chose to get my tubal. Her gift to the world is to be a better mom than anyone who raised us and directly influenced our lives. My gift to the world is to not have any children of my own, but I will share my experiences and hope it does some good in the world. Despite what I felt before, I’m glad my sister is a mother and I hope with every fiber of my being that she can accomplish her goal. I will do my best to keep in touch and do what I can to help.
It’s weird…everything is weird…just thinking back to the way things used to be. I’m still me, for sure…but there’s a lot I just won’t put up with anymore…there’s a lot of aspects of who I used to be that I want nothing to do with anymore. Still, I choose. I’m pretty sure this is what it means to grow up, and honestly…it’s not that bad.
I’m amazed at how many people still love and respect me after being the person I was…then again, I was still just as headstrong then as I am now, still striving, and still all the parts of me that I love now existed within in me then.
I love me and I am working on being more friendly and forgiving to myself, because-as a friend recently told me-that’s important too. Brain don’t always click right, but I guess that’s just one of my quirks. Still works a lot better than it used to…just took time to regain some of that shit.
Right now, in this moment, I am at peace with myself. I’m finding more and more moments like these. Still a lot of rage, anger, and pain that cycles in out with everything else…but I know in the end, everything will be okay.
I have a goal in mind and after 12 years, I’m finally moving forward on the path to make it happen.
For me, the only purpose worth living for in life…the only way to find real joy, is to find something worthwhile that is greater than yourself. Embrace it. There will be a lot of good and a lot of bad along the way, but never stop believing, never stop learning, and never stop moving towards what you know is right in your heart. I have dedicated the rest of my life to my goal and everything I’m doing now is all part of it. I’m a living, breathing testament that it is possible to breaking the fucking cycle.
I really do believe that we all have this power within us. If I can do it, anyone can. It’s hard to believe that we deserve good things or a good life when all we can see is our damage, but we do. We all do. Just have to believe in that and trust in it. Give yourself a chance to see the fruits of your labor. I wouldn’t trade the life I have now for anything else in the world. From the friends I’ve made to the trials I overcome…I take it all on, I accept whatever comes as it comes, and I enjoy all that I can. It’s always darkest before the dawn, and there’s a bright, silver cloud breaking through this cold and shitty winter.
This is one of many songs that saved my life along the path. Just one of those songs where it felt like he was talking directly to me, and he was right. Like Phil told me, “Life is so much better with you all the way in it.” He was right…not fully there yet, but getting closer every day.
“If you could see the you that I see when I see you seein’ me, you’d see yourself so differently, believe me.
If you could see the you that I see when I see you, you’d see yourself so differently, I assure you.
I know the self doubt that burns inside your mind.
I know the self doubt that treats you so unkind.
If you could see the you that I see when I see you seein’ me, you’d see yourself so differently, believe me.”