So here we go

Uncategorized | August 23rd, 2014

I’ve been as quiet as I can be when I’m wedged between wanting to scream at the top of my lungs while gouging my eyes out and the calm place of simply accepting my situation as it is, growing from it, and moving on.

Dan and I are getting a divorce. That’s the short version, and in a way, I guess that’s the only version that really matters, because it’s plain and simple fact and no amount of explaining, finger pointing, or anything else is going to change that.

I sit here in my shared bedroom atop of the 4th floor of an Oxford House in Parkland, WA, and contemplate my life.

Today has been a hard day, today I wanted to show up at his work, punch him in the face for breaking my heart, and run away like a child. I did laundry instead and cried silently in my bedroom. I got some work done, wrote a bit in my journal, conversed with friends via Facebook, and am working with a new friend to find out where the hell in internet land my website for Button Whore has gone so we can bring it back.

Before I go too deeply into anything, I will say it takes 2 people (or however many are involved) in a relationship to make it work. The reason we are not getting back together is because Dan doesn’t want to. He has little to no desire to work on himself or us, and runs circles around himself as he tries to figure out where he should begin or if he even wants to. I will say our relationship was far from perfect and while I know a great many of our friends and family loved who we were as a couple and everything we did together for the community of Tacoma and then some, we still had a shit ton of problems that we never honestly dealt with or tried to face.

#1 cause for failure in any relationship = poor communication or no communication.

Anyone who’s know me the last 5 years or more I’m sure has some story where I am a complete asshat, acted completely selfish and without care or concern for anyone outside of myself, and was super cunt to someone or something at a given time. I’m no fucking angel, I can admit it, accept it, and since April 19th, 2014, have been doing everything I can to grow from it and change it. Who knows, maybe you’re one of the lucky few who’s never seen that side of me…maybe you didn’t know me well enough to see it…but I know it existed, every bar that’s ever kicked me out knows it existed, and some of my dearest and closest friends first encounter with me was not anything you’d think would lead to years of friendship later on down the road. I was a drunk fucking mess for a good chunk of my life.

The last 2 years, no one has really seen much of me except the folks I travel with and work with directly…I got sober and kept focused with my career on the road. Unsure of how to really connect with anyone back home due to being gone so much and with my adjustments to sobriety. It is what it is…life changes, and people grow in one direction or another.

Dan pissed me off a lot due to his lack of willingness to communicate with me while I was on the road, and I know I bitched a lot about not being a fucking house wife, but I still loved him. I still love him, and there was no part of me that didn’t want to work through whatever problems we were having. Honestly, if he came to me right now as we prepare to file divorce papers and had an honest desire to work things out with me, I’d gladly and hesitantly accept. Because there is no love in fear.

But bottom line is despite who did what or whatever fantasy scenario that could possibly play out in my head, there is zero desire on his part to continue a relationship with me. I have to accept this and move on with my life.

There’s a million factors, a million issues, a million wrongs done on both sides, trust is broken, honesty is difficult, our friendship went away years ago except in small spurts here and there, and there’s no desire to try.

Some-days, I’m beside myself with grief…although much of that has passed away since I’ve returned from tour…some days, I feel relieved to no longer be walking around with this cloud of uncertainty hanging above my head as I feel unsure of myself in every decision I made (which was and has been a side effect of our relationship throughout it’s duration).

I don’t lay in bed all day, wallowing in the lost hopes and dreams…instead I go to meetings surrounded by other alcoholics who share their strength, hope, and experiences. I also am jumping through the hoops required to get me into the laborers union so I can take care of myself. I have a lot of medical issues and dental work needed that I’ve been ignoring for quite some time due to lack of insurance, and the Union is an excellent way to take care of myself both financially and medically.

Touring? I’m not done. I know I’m not done…but I am taking a much needed break to focus on myself, my family, my friends, and to find the balance I desire so I can live a full, well rounded life. I love the road…completely…but there’s things I’ve been running from and it’s time to face them…all of them. Until I can wake up in a completely new day without the baggage of my past weighing me down, I don’t really want to be on the road. Don’t get me wrong, I miss it like crazy…but the road will always be there no matter if I step out on the shoulder of the freeway with my thumb in the air or pushing the gas pedal on a full tank of gas.

I am still working on the new album, which will be released sometime in 2015, with full instrumentation. I’ll also give the website a facelift to celebrate the new release of the album…but right now, I need to focus on stable employment, working on my business, and healing my broken heart. It is seriously fucking broken. I can smile, I can get out of bed, I can find joy in every day, but the thought of being that close to anyone ever again is something I am not ready for and I’m not going to rush the process of whatever it will take for me to even consider something like that again.

Right now, I’m working on a long term, committed relationship with myself…getting to know myself fully…which parts to keep, what to discard, learning how to treat others the way I really want to be treated and not the way my self-hate tells me I can handle, and to grow from this experience.

There’s been a lot of people who have hit on me since the separation…I’ve been told I’m an available woman now…funny, I don’t remember thinking that or saying that…among a mess of other b.s. that is just a one-way ticket out of the circle I keep closest to me now. I know my worth, I know my strengths, I know the weaknesses I would like to work on. I know what I enjoy, I know what I hate, and I have some ideas on some other things I’d like to fully examine…but love…on love and companionship…I’m good for now outside of the caring company from a friend. I’ve got about all I can handle with me, myself, and I as far as growing with someone else.

I would like to look back on the decade plus I spent with Dan, and be able to smile for all the good that came out of it 99.99% of the time…until I can do that, I will never be complete enough to share my life with some one else. I was extremely co-dependent and he was my world. Yes, I was chaotic and self-sabotaging (which I’ve discovered the roots of that in the work I’ve done these last 5 months and can call them by name), but it doesn’t change the way I felt about him. I’m also not denying that it was extremely unhealthy for the both of us with our severe self-esteem issues and co-dependency issues…still, it does not change the fact or make it hurt any less that I am walking away from what was once something that meant everything to me. That was my husband, my dog, my home…to have to completely sever myself from it is the worst fucking pain I’ve ever felt…and yet…I think it’s the healthiest thing that I’ve ever done for myself.

I honestly wish Dan the best in his life and I hope he reaches out to his friends…both the ones we share and those who were closest to him. Life is strange. Back in January of this year, shit, even the first week or two in February, if you had told me this would be my life, I would’ve shunned you in disbelief. I honestly thought there would’ve been a chance to grow and fix things even after I had returned on August 5th, but seeing Dan face to face and speaking with him only drives the sinking feeling in my gut more and more. I can’t find a single part of him that wants to be with me anymore, and I realized that it’s not my place to change his heart or his mind.

I’m slowly reaching out more and more…spending time with friends here and there. Doing what I need to do to continue with the change of character I wish to construct within and without. I’m honestly doing okay. I’m not drinking, drugging, or eating a bullet, so I think I’m doing okay.

Honestly, the way we’re handling the divorce process, I think, is the best possible one could achieve in a situation like this because we’re cooperating to see it through to the end together, which is more than I can say for our marriage and that’s on both sides of the coin.

There have been a great many number of friends who have reached out to me in so many different ways, and I greatly appreciate all the support I’ve received since shit obviously started falling apart in late February of this year. Thank you. I feel very fortunate and lucky to have many of the people in my life that I do. You’re awesome.

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