Embracing the struggle
I’m leaving in 2 weeks or so for 7-8 months of solid touring. There’s been so much on my mind, but I haven’t really had time to collect my thoughts, as I’ve been working my ass off, and spending as much time with Dan as possible. He leaves for a 2 week, work related class on Sunday and when he gets back, I will already be gone.
It’s still hard for me to find balance in my home life, but I’ve found that if I talk to Dan about what’s bugging me instead of shutting down and only focusing on work, it makes me a lot more tolerable to myself and those around me. Living in the now is so easy when I’m on the road…but it’s hard to do the same when I’m home, working towards being back on the road.
It’s hard to be away from him for so long. As time progresses and we grow closer together, it doesn’t get any easier to be away. However, the deeper I dive into my career path, the more the physical distance grows. What I realized is that instead of accepting that this is the way things are, I’ve been trying to find a way around it. Honestly, there is no way around it. This is my life. Children will grow, the world here at home is going to morph and change, and time will do as it’s always done. Instead of questioning myself on if I’m going to be able to handle working in the music world for the rest of my life due to the strain it puts on home life, or telling Dan if he chooses to continue life without me, that I will accept it and I’d understand, I need to embrace that is the way things are.
I’m going to be gone a lot. I already have been gone a lot for nearly 5 years now. Every year, the amount of time I’m gone increases, and that is the way things are. It’s time to accept that and find ways to work with it. It’s always such a crap shoot when I come home. I never know how my attitude is going to adjust, or how much time I’ll have when I am home. I have started opening up more. There’s so much I have never told Dan about my travels as far as some of the things I go through or the shit I have to put up with. As much as I love the road, it’s not always all fun and games and there is a lot of work involved. Since I’ve been able to talk to him about things in the last month, he finally understands that it’s just as hard for me as it is for him. That’s it’s not just me fucking off and escaping my home life. Not that he completely thought that before, but since I’ve been able to open up, it has helped a lot for both of us.
He’s not going anywhere, no matter how hard it gets, and there’s no one I’d rather be with, no matter how hard it gets. This whole last week, I’ve been doing my best to not work while he’s home. Been doing my best to enjoy every hug for as long as I can, going to bed when he does so I can enjoy the feel of his skin and his hand on my belly as we drift into slumber land. I am really going to miss that. I always miss that. When you’ve been sleeping next to the same person for over 9 years, it’s hard to be away from that. Luckily, pure exhaustion is a good cure for sleeping alone. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve cried myself to sleep over the years just because I missed the warm of sharing my bed with Dan. It doesn’t happen every night, but it does happen, and it is hard.
Regardless, there is a goal in mind that I’m working towards, and it’s important to not lose sight of that due to my emotions.
I am very excited about the road that lies ahead. 3.5 months all over the USA, then at least 3 months all over Europe, hitting every country. This year, we’re going to Spain. 🙂 My sister asked me to bring something back from Spain for Paloma, my niece who was born this last weekend, so I will try.
There’s so much going on with family life and what not, but there’s always a lot going on. That is never going to change. I am glad I got to witness the birth of my sister’s first child. I am the oldest of my siblings. My sister is 24, soon to be 25. I am so amazingly proud of her, and I honestly think she’s going to be a great mom. She’s fighting the cycle of our family as well, and I really believe she has a solid chance of breaking it in her own way as I have done in mine. It’s hard though, because I would like to be around to help her with the baby, and there’s a piece of my heart that hurts, knowing that Paloma will already be crawling and close to walking by the next time I see her and my sister. These are part of the sacrifices. Nikkitta is my only full blooded sibling, and the only one I actually grew up with in the same house. I understand her better than my brothers, and there is a stronger bond because of the things we’ve been through together. It’s very hard for me, because I feel like she really needs me right now, but at the same time I can’t dwell on that.
In the long run, by staying focused on my goals, I will do more good than if I were to try to find a way to stay here for the people I love. I need the road for my mental stability. I crave the circus life and all that comes with it more so than any drug I’ve ever consumed. It keeps me sane and has helped to heal me. If I can’t take care of myself, I’m no good to anyone else and I do need this. The road is my home just as much as this little patch of land I share with Dan, and sometime more-so.
There is no way around this. I am growing into a woman who’s reflection does not disappoint me, my relationships are stronger, my career is growing stronger. I am learning, I am changing, and in turn as I have grown and worked on healing myself, I have been able to help others.
So. A new adventure lies just around the corner, with a multitude of experiences that will help me to learn, grow, and continue along my path. I am excited, so bring it on and let’s see one more time, just what the fuck I’m made of. 🙂